American Idol Finale: Whatever, Let's Choose the Real Idol
Well, Lee DeWyze won American Idol's ninth season. There he is crying for us all, and it's not enough. I'm doing my modified Nancy Kerrigan-in-intense-pain impersonation, personally. "DeWhyyyyyyyyyyze! DeWhhhhhhyyyyze!" I caw. Ugh. That conclusion was a billy club to the knee. You could say the show's ninth season was its worst yet (I know I did.), but a Crystal Bowersox win would've rectified some of the angst. Instead, Idol served a lukewarm DeWyze victory at the end of what was an otherwise tremendous finale, and now the whole 120 minutes reeks of an abandoned paint store. I said it.
Fear not: There's plenty of good for all of us to discuss from last night's celebration -- namely a ranking of the evening's top 10 performances. By the time we're done, we'll make our decision about Idol's real winner. Haterade on tap!
10. Idol Winners Tribute to Simon Cowell, "Together We Are One"
First, a disclaimer: Bland performances from Janet Jackson, Dane Cook, Christina Aguilera, and Alice Cooper didn't make the Top 10. Sorry. Too self-indulgent on all counts. I'm granting the bottom spot to this all-pseudo-star tribute to Simon Cowell featuring everyone from Kelly Clarkson to Fantasia Barrino to Kris Allen to a swarm of past contestants. This performance is a staggering cheeseball fortress, but I think it beats Janet wearing a Medieval Times costume, Xtina dressed like Susan Powter trying out to be Starship's lead singer, and a languid Alice Cooper looking like Adam Lambert without any bones, blood, or organs in his body.
9. Michael Lynche and Michael McDonald, "Takin' It to the Streets"
Michael McDonald. S.O.S., right? The duo riffed on this Doobie Brothers classic with Lite FM panache, but the result was a pleasing vanilla soft-serve treat.
8. Lee DeWyze and Chicago, "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"/"If You Leave Me Now"/"25 or 6 to 4"
I kind of don't blame Lee for this verging-on-droopy performance, since Chicago didn't jolt this up with any rock n' roll pulse. Furthermore, why were they chosen to perform in the first place? Because Lee's from Chicago? Thank God he wasn't from Kansas. Or Europe. Or Anita Bryantville, Utah.
7. Kris Allen, "The Truth"
The original "Tender Dawg," Kris Allen lived up to Randy Jackson's literal pet name by crooning his new single with winsome flair. The truth: I still think he was the right choice for last year's Idol. He's got the clever song arrangements and vocal commitment to bed any Maroon 5 groupie in the west.