American Idol Finale: Whatever, Let's Choose the Real Idol

Well, Lee DeWyze won American Idol's ninth season. There he is crying for us all, and it's not enough. I'm doing my modified Nancy Kerrigan-in-intense-pain impersonation, personally. "DeWhyyyyyyyyyyze! DeWhhhhhhyyyyze!" I caw. Ugh. That conclusion was a billy club to the knee. You could say the show's ninth season was its worst yet (I know I did.), but a Crystal Bowersox win would've rectified some of the angst. Instead, Idol served a lukewarm DeWyze victory at the end of what was an otherwise tremendous finale, and now the whole 120 minutes reeks of an abandoned paint store. I said it.

Fear not: There's plenty of good for all of us to discuss from last night's celebration -- namely a ranking of the evening's top 10 performances. By the time we're done, we'll make our decision about Idol's real winner. Haterade on tap!

10. Idol Winners Tribute to Simon Cowell, "Together We Are One"

First, a disclaimer: Bland performances from Janet Jackson, Dane Cook, Christina Aguilera, and Alice Cooper didn't make the Top 10. Sorry. Too self-indulgent on all counts. I'm granting the bottom spot to this all-pseudo-star tribute to Simon Cowell featuring everyone from Kelly Clarkson to Fantasia Barrino to Kris Allen to a swarm of past contestants. This performance is a staggering cheeseball fortress, but I think it beats Janet wearing a Medieval Times costume, Xtina dressed like Susan Powter trying out to be Starship's lead singer, and a languid Alice Cooper looking like Adam Lambert without any bones, blood, or organs in his body.

9. Michael Lynche and Michael McDonald, "Takin' It to the Streets"

Michael McDonald. S.O.S., right? The duo riffed on this Doobie Brothers classic with Lite FM panache, but the result was a pleasing vanilla soft-serve treat.

8. Lee DeWyze and Chicago, "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"/"If You Leave Me Now"/"25 or 6 to 4"

I kind of don't blame Lee for this verging-on-droopy performance, since Chicago didn't jolt this up with any rock n' roll pulse. Furthermore, why were they chosen to perform in the first place? Because Lee's from Chicago? Thank God he wasn't from Kansas. Or Europe. Or Anita Bryantville, Utah.

7. Kris Allen, "The Truth"

The original "Tender Dawg," Kris Allen lived up to Randy Jackson's literal pet name by crooning his new single with winsome flair. The truth: I still think he was the right choice for last year's Idol. He's got the clever song arrangements and vocal commitment to bed any Maroon 5 groupie in the west.

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  • Rafaela says:

    The best idol (almost always) never wins, IMHO. Crystal was miles away from the other guy (Leewhateverhisnameis), just like Adam was the rock star, while Chris was karaoke material.

  • Sammy says:

    Re-title this show to "Tweens-Perimenopausal Idol" because it has been hijacked by them for the past 2 seasons. Lee is the most UNDESERVING WINNER of all the idol seasons! PERFECT ENDING to an abysmal season.
    The judges stunk, Ellen was horrible, Ryan was like "a mosquito buzzing my face" with his off-the chain antics, and the competition was very weak...and yes, the most deserving finished 2nd again. The show will be tainted as long as they continue to let unlimited votes per person.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    I was going to refute this, but then I realized Taylor Hicks is much more talented than Lee DeWyze. Season ninth-circle-of-hell is more like it.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    Kris is plenty more interesting than Lee DeWyze though. Lee's victory is like if Michael Sarver won season eight.

  • j says:

    And when Kelly Clarkson came out and nobody knew who she was? And when some of the former Idol contestants came out all dressed in white - what was that about? Most of them unrecognizable and or didn't even get their face shown the show. What a waste of a show. The worst: when Crystal was with Alanis, not because of them, like them both, but what was with all that stupid back & forth walking on the stage. would have been better with just the two of them standing still next to each other.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    Alanis is sort of known for stalking the stage, but I concur, they should've stared each other down some more. But come on, that duet ruled.

  • sixhundred says:

    I'm as much a fan of Alanis as the next guy (unless the next guy is Louis)... but come on now, gimme a beat!
    Janet more than took the night even with the snoozy, multi-mic'd, lady blackula first half.
    no question.

  • jenny says:

    Casey rocked!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Barbara Hall says:

    Casey was such a love....humble, sweet, and too talented for American Idol. Like he said on Ellen's show, he considers himself to be more of a musician than a singer and since he had never watched American Idol
    because he didn't have a TV until recently, he had no idea what he was getting into. I'd love to go to his church and see him play his guitar and lead the praise singing. My 16 yr old grandaughter does this in her church and we visited there this morning. I could just picture Casey up there doing this. There's so much to Casey that was never brought to our attention. I don't give a rip who won, he's my American Idol and always will be. Lee Dewyze....ugh!!

  • Dance Beats says:

    My persistent civil libertarianism will cause an ulcer if I keep reading stories like this.

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