New Iron Sky Trailer: The Moon Nazis Cometh
Are you, by chance, familiar with the movie Dead Snow? (Of course you are, but please, just play along.) Here's the pitch: Nazi zombies terrorize some medical students on a ski vacation. Nazis, zombies, skiing, terror. This is an excellent pitch. Chances are good that you, the discerning moviegoer, would be interested in such a film. (Please wait until the end of this post to click over to Netflix and do a Watch Now. It's not going anywhere.)
But you know what? That's only the second-best Nazi-related pitch you're going to hear today. How about:
"Moon Nazis invade Earth."
If we had the technical know-how, we'd be hard at work on a Downfall parody wherein Hitler excoriates the short-sighted flunkies in his bunker for not thinking to build a giant, swatstika-shaped space station hidden on the dark side of the moon, a Teutonic Death Star from which to one day launch an attack on an Earth that foiled his plans of global domination. "Where are my goose-stepping Storm Troopers, my dramatically lit, jack-booted engineers twisting giant wrenches on an unknown mechanism that is probably crucial to my invasion plans! I want thousands of very heavy-looking spacecraft ominously rising through the cavernous interior of my massive Reichraumbahnhof, and I WANT THEM YESTERDAY!," he'd scream, becoming visibly unhinged about the failings of his incompetent astrophysicists. Then with renewed rage, "Who does a desperate dictator on the verge of historic defeat have to f*ck around here to get my brain placed in a giant tank full of neuroconducive fluid in the middle of a space station*, so that I can carry out an interplanetary invasion in 2018?!"
He'd be upset because he'd want to be a part of Iron Sky. Very, very badly.
And then he'd demand that everyone fund the movie, so that the filmmakers can finish it and we can all see how the invasion turns out. We need to see how the invasion turns out. They claim to be 86 percent financed, with a paltry 900,000 euros to go towards making everyone's Lunar Nazi dreams come true. If money can be found to realize the vision of a director who wants to show the world what three people look like sewn together mouth-to-part-that-a-mouth-should-not-ever-be-sewn-to, surely more is available to stage an epic, history-altering comeback by an army of spacefaring, genocidal Aryans. Just think of the Comic-Con booth! The action figures! The eventual blockbuster trilogy, followed decades later by three disappointing prequels about Space Hitler's youth spent building primitive Nazibots and hanging out with a jive-talking sidekick everyone will loathe for pandering to children! This is just the beginning. We know it.
Verdict: We recommend a policy of appeasement. Throw a few bucks Iron Sky's way or be prepared to have your home disintegrated by SS-rays.
[*We're not sure if this will actually be in the movie, but we really, really hope it is.]