Alison Brie Comes Out as Self-Described 'Queen of Copulation'

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You think you know someone when you spend every night during Mad Men season with them. And then she publishes an essay about her adventurous freshman year of art school, when she experimented with girl-on-girl sex, intercourse with afros and whips, drugged up boot-knocking and that one time she took her homosexual friend's virginity inside of a dark closet while listening to Madonna's 'Erotica.' The culprit here is Alison Brie, Mad Men actress, Community star, and self-confessed former slut.

Brie sets the stage by describing a sunny afternoon with her "self-hating, gay friend Jon, who's recently come out of the closet and thinks it's the worst thing in the world." He was sad and she, being an attentive friend (not to mention the "self-proclaimed captain of coitus, the queen of copulation herself"), wanted to help him not feel hopeless about his future sexual endeavors -- and maybe even help him realize that he was actually straight. So she convinced him to give up his virginity. Take it away, Alison.

We get to his room, a plain, ground-floor dorm room -- bed, desk, wide-open space, and this big picture window that looks out at the school pool with those slat blinds that are always incomplete, always missing those essential two slats, as his appropriately are. So I close what's left of the blinds and hop under the covers, he throws on some music and hops in with me, both of us pumping with adrenaline at our own spontaneity, and we're off! We start making out and... we continue making out... and I tear off my shirt, and I tear off his shirt, and I rip off my shorts, and I pull off his jeans... and I'm starting to notice a pattern forming in regards to one person's possible involvement more than the other's. But I choose to ignore it until... I go to put my hands down his undies and he lets out a shriek so loud and so feminine, it's like nothing I've heard in the bedroom before. I pull back, a bit shocked, and ask, "What?"

He's like, "What're you doing?!"

I smile, "I'm going to touch your penis..."

He's like, "No, no no no no no no -- I can't, um... That's not..." [...] Now at this point I probably could have read the subtext here, like, I'm not into this. I'm not really attracted to you at all. 'Cuz I'm gay. But no, I chose to take this as a plea for further instruction. I mean, I'd tackled problems in the bedroom far more challenging than this and always concluded with a happy ending, so to speak. [...]

So I'm smoking, I get good and high, and he comes back very excited, like, "Oh my God, I found the perfect song: Madonna's 'Erotica.'" Now... this may have been another moment that should have inspired hesitation, but actually I was really excited about it, 'cuz I was stoned, and he was really excited about it. 'Cuz he's gay. So he gets in the closet with me -- literally and figuratively -- and we're both into it now, like movin' and touchin' our... selves. And before we know it, he has liftoff! So he gets the condom on and I get on him and we're doing it! We're actually doing it! And we're into it. That's right. We grind and bump for a good ten, fifteen seconds when suddenly he grabs me and is like, "Oh my God, oh my God.... The condom broke!" And I get off him, fast. I'm freaking out a bit and I'm like, "Oh my God, what? How do you know?" And he takes it off, examining it, and he's like, "Well, it's all wet down there." I lift my eyes, red and puffy from the pot, defeated and full of shame as I realize... "Oh. Well, that was me."

So, I guess it's safe to say that the whole experiment was basically a failure.

Confused? So is everyone here in Movieline HQ.

· Homosexual Shmomosexual [Nerve.com via Vulture]



Comments

  • Floretta says:

    TMI, Alison, TMI.

  • sweetbiscuit says:

    No wonder she's paired with fellow chatterbox (and interviewer's dream) Vincent Kartheiser on the show.

  • Ton says:

    Wow that story is so hot How could Any man not want to have sex with her?

  • The Winchester says:

    That's just like the first time I ever had sex.
    Except for the part where everything she said happened.

  • Aaron says:

    I went to the wrong college!

  • littlewonder says:

    I have this book, it's insanely hilarious, called "Worst Laid Plans, When Bad Sex Happens to Good People." Apparently all the stories are true...

  • Tayne says:

    Wow, what a stupid, disgusting whore.

  • VoV says:

    ^^^
    Wow, what a stupid, disgusting person.

  • iaio says:

    lol your mom.

  • nacho says:

    HOLY SHEEEEETTTTTT no way my future wife is like that NOOOOOOOOOO

  • This story is so crazy, I can't even believe it. Great actress with crazy stories!

  • You win Alison, you win!! says:

    Wow, if Alison Brie was my friend with benefits right now, I probably would be flunking Uni because I would be tapping that fine, fine woman every chance could I get!!!! Studying be damned!!!!!
    I didn't know why I had such an attraction to her in Mad Men and now I got to say I'm sold. Gotta find me an Alison Brie of my own!!!

  • Duckworth says:

    Wow. I find the story hard to believe. This has to be satire. If it is true, I wish that I knew her when I was in university. If it's not, it makes for a fine good story.

  • Jeff says:

    So she was a waste of space in college, and she actually seems excited by the fact. Classy. She does do a good job on tv, although now I'm sort of curious how many people she rode to get her parts. I kind of feel sorry for whoever ends up with her, because man, those kids are not going to be yours. You can't make a ho a housewife (or any other type of wife for that matter).

    • Bob says:

      Have you seen her act before Jeff? She's talented as hell, she doesn't need to sleep with someone to get an acting job. And it's not like she said she didn't go to class in favor of just sleeping around. Go her for being a woman who's not ashamed of her sexuality and not being tied down by societal standards. And it's pretty sad of you to judge a woman about her future faithfullness when you've never met her.

    • clint says:

      Classic Winger

  • Koowie says:

    Wow. Crazy stuff Alison!

  • Ben says:

    Jeff, I REALLY hope your harsh judgment of some girl you've never met is really just you transferring your own hurt from being used by another girl. Maybe you though she really loved you? :D What I wouldn't give to watch you shed a little pathetic tear! hahhaahahahaha

  • Bip says:

    I could see how a man who's not attracted to women wouldn't want to have sex with her.

  • Cassia says:

    I like Alison on Community - she's a great Anni,e and a good actress. And I don't mind that she expertimented in college. What I hate is that she talks about it like she PROUD of herself! Urgh. The waay she talks about it makes me think she's not a 'former slut' at all. I wonder how many time's she's slept with someone to get an acting job.

    • Dylan says:

      My God, are some of people shallow! She did this as part of an interview for a book. It's not like she called a nationally televised press conference to describe her college sex life. And anyways, Everybody, including all you judgmental people here, has done their fair share of things in their youth and/or young adulthood that they aren't proud of... Do you really think you're a better person because you never became successful enough for anyone to care about whatever your own youthful exploits were?

  • RL says:

    Yeesh. I wonder if she had sex with micky mouse yet.

  • balls says:

    of all the things that ever happened this is not one of them

  • Who would want to be in a long term relationship with her? She's too adven-(slutty)-terous... Now, I think of her as the nicest and hopefully cleanest porn star on the planet.

  • Jim says:

    She is absolutely beautiful. And kind of a skank.

  • Pete says:

    Let's try not to sexualize Annie

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