Alison Brie Comes Out as Self-Described 'Queen of Copulation'
You think you know someone when you spend every night during Mad Men season with them. And then she publishes an essay about her adventurous freshman year of art school, when she experimented with girl-on-girl sex, intercourse with afros and whips, drugged up boot-knocking and that one time she took her homosexual friend's virginity inside of a dark closet while listening to Madonna's 'Erotica.' The culprit here is Alison Brie, Mad Men actress, Community star, and self-confessed former slut.
Brie sets the stage by describing a sunny afternoon with her "self-hating, gay friend Jon, who's recently come out of the closet and thinks it's the worst thing in the world." He was sad and she, being an attentive friend (not to mention the "self-proclaimed captain of coitus, the queen of copulation herself"), wanted to help him not feel hopeless about his future sexual endeavors -- and maybe even help him realize that he was actually straight. So she convinced him to give up his virginity. Take it away, Alison.
We get to his room, a plain, ground-floor dorm room -- bed, desk, wide-open space, and this big picture window that looks out at the school pool with those slat blinds that are always incomplete, always missing those essential two slats, as his appropriately are. So I close what's left of the blinds and hop under the covers, he throws on some music and hops in with me, both of us pumping with adrenaline at our own spontaneity, and we're off! We start making out and... we continue making out... and I tear off my shirt, and I tear off his shirt, and I rip off my shorts, and I pull off his jeans... and I'm starting to notice a pattern forming in regards to one person's possible involvement more than the other's. But I choose to ignore it until... I go to put my hands down his undies and he lets out a shriek so loud and so feminine, it's like nothing I've heard in the bedroom before. I pull back, a bit shocked, and ask, "What?"
He's like, "What're you doing?!"
I smile, "I'm going to touch your penis..."
He's like, "No, no no no no no no -- I can't, um... That's not..." [...] Now at this point I probably could have read the subtext here, like, I'm not into this. I'm not really attracted to you at all. 'Cuz I'm gay. But no, I chose to take this as a plea for further instruction. I mean, I'd tackled problems in the bedroom far more challenging than this and always concluded with a happy ending, so to speak. [...]
So I'm smoking, I get good and high, and he comes back very excited, like, "Oh my God, I found the perfect song: Madonna's 'Erotica.'" Now... this may have been another moment that should have inspired hesitation, but actually I was really excited about it, 'cuz I was stoned, and he was really excited about it. 'Cuz he's gay. So he gets in the closet with me -- literally and figuratively -- and we're both into it now, like movin' and touchin' our... selves. And before we know it, he has liftoff! So he gets the condom on and I get on him and we're doing it! We're actually doing it! And we're into it. That's right. We grind and bump for a good ten, fifteen seconds when suddenly he grabs me and is like, "Oh my God, oh my God.... The condom broke!" And I get off him, fast. I'm freaking out a bit and I'm like, "Oh my God, what? How do you know?" And he takes it off, examining it, and he's like, "Well, it's all wet down there." I lift my eyes, red and puffy from the pot, defeated and full of shame as I realize... "Oh. Well, that was me."
So, I guess it's safe to say that the whole experiment was basically a failure.
Confused? So is everyone here in Movieline HQ.