In Memoriam: American Idol's Newest Loser Siobhan Magnus
Thanks for nothing, nation. Last night on Idol, America's horrible texters voted to release Siobhan Magnus to the principal's office to wash the glue out of her mouth. Bastards! For irony, they muttered the lyrics to Shania's "I'm Gonna Getcha Good" as they did the deed. Damn third-grade thugs. Hate you. But now is our time to cherish the weeks spent with Siobhan, recall her greatest hits, and ponder what could've been had she entered the Top 5. And scream and scream.
Legacy: Glue Girl for life.
She's the kindergartener with three pigtails and weird markers who doesn't just enjoy the glue, the way it hardens and drips down her forehead and esophagus and Mrs. Uznanski's jumper -- she understands the glue and researches it during recess with a library card. She's up to date on glue topics. When second grade rolls around, she'll give an oral report on Elmer's School Glue (fave) and offer damning evidence to suggest that the glue industry is maligned and that dead horses stopped being involved generations ago. Ultimately her classmates won't be responsive because they're not in cahoots with glue like Siobhan. And anyway, they all heard that she eats construction paper and licked Andrew Garcia on the butt. So you shouldn't talk to her. Duh.
Also: She screamed at the end of songs and gave the latter half of season nine it's most thrilling moments. She has rendered "Paint It Black" and "House of the Rising Sun" untouchable. Miss her bigtime already.
What Could've Been: A beaming version of "They Can't Take That Away from Me" during Sinatra week. An ethereal retooling of "I Feel Love" during Disco Week. An updo made from an actual beehive during Girl Groups week.
We Will Miss Most: Her fearless howl. Her tender moments in "Wicked Game" and "Across the Universe." Her urgency. Her abrasive Yoda impression. And perhaps most, her languid backtalk with Simon: "Well Simon, I really feel that... being an artist... is about being unsure... but trying new things... but not being afraid of the original artist... and just trying to have fun... but in a serious way... while wearing a three-piece denim Teen Skipper ensemble paired with wedding dress fragments... and my sisters... and the dream. Fin."
Philosophical Conundrum: You have to wonder how this will affect the glassblowing community.
Closing Remarks: I'd pegged Siobhan for a Top 2 finish, and this is easily the most grueling elimination since Didi Benami. But the only way to bid adieu to Siobhan is the same way she always signed off with us -- a freaky monster scream: NOOOOOOOO-AHHHHHH-EHHHHHHH-AHHH-EH-AH-EH.