5 Other People In Hollywood Who Could Really Benefit From A Secret Adoption

Roman Polanksi

America's most beloved Oscar-winning fugitive has what those in the industry call a "slight image problem," with the three decades of hiding out in Europe and the statutory rape conviction and whatnot. Though Polanski just lost a tough round in his extradition fight and there's been overheated talk of wanting to see him dragged back to the United States "in shackles," perhaps Lady Justice would be moved by the sight of Polanski, having finally surrendered to his long-delayed punishment, stepping off a plane at LAX while holding aloft in his cuffed hands a chubby baby hastily rescued from a Swiss orphanage, an image soon splashed across the front pages of both Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. ("D*ckhead Rapist Criminal Chickensh*t Tries To Buy Sympathy," says the simultaneous Deadline Hollywood headline.) With a lengthy prison stint staring him in the face should he be returned to the States, it's worth the adoptive Hail Mary.

Lost's Smoke Monster

He's a cold-blooded, shape-shifting, darkly motivated mass-murderer with image issues worse even than Polanski's, and possibly The Devil Himself trying to exploit a celestial loophole in a bid to enslave the world. But what if that massacre-happy, smoggy pillar of pure evil were gently changing the poopy diaper of a baby abandoned by a hippie coward fleeing the destruction of the Temple? Maybe then Sawyer, Jack and the gang would rethink what side to take in the upcoming, series-ending war, unable to resist the heart-meltingly delicate way Smokey extends a misty tendril to wipe away the drool on the cooing infant's chin.

Universal Pictures

Can a Hollywood studio actually adopt a baby? We'll leave that question to the lawyers. But after a run of disasters including Green Zone and The Wolfman, it might be time to explore the possibility of grabbing some positive headlines by revealing that Uni's recent failures occurred because the entire development, marketing and production staffs were too busy secretly changing diapers in the middle of the night to properly nurture a blockbuster. Even if the upcoming Robin Hood fizzles, all anyone will be able to talk about is what great, attentive parents the Universal crew seem to be, forgetting all about how they neglected to open movies with Matt Damon and Russell Crowe.

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