5 Other People In Hollywood Who Could Really Benefit From A Secret Adoption

baby_polanski_cover.jpg

Today's bombshell announcement about Sandra Bullock's secret adopted baby was an absolute master class in controlling the narrative, locking up a Hey, Look Over There! Award for her publicist at this year's Flackies. (What, you want to talk more about the unfathomable heartbreak of having your Oscar afterglow brutally extinguished by a loutish husband's extramarital appetite for garishly tattooed, Nazi-fetishizing McGees? Sure, we'll get to that in a second, but have you seen this super adorbs widdle baaaby?)

As no good idea can go unappropriated in Hollywood for more than 48 hours, we expect squadrons of PR storks to take to the skies dangling plump, precariously swaddled orphans from their beaks, ready to drop their crisis-deflecting bundles of joy into the laps of clients in desperate need of a feel-good story. Here are our suggestions about who might benefit from a surprise announcement about an unexpected expansion to their families.

Jennifer Lopez

There was a time -- not very long ago at all, really! -- when Lopez was considered a huge star. Just huge. She sang (sort of), danced, made J Lo-branded scents in her basement perfume lab, opened restaurants. That time, sadly, has passed, as her comeback from a four year cinematic hiatus in CBS Films' Made-For-TV-Movie-Plus release of The Back-Up Plan, a project shamefully displaying its diminished expectations in its title, thudded to a $12 million opening. Though Lopez has attempted the baby gambit before, even gamely producing twins two years ago, it's time to refresh her narrative with an adoption -- tending to biological offspring exhausted by the demands of private jet travel isn't going to distract anyone long enough to forget about her failed Plan.

Gerard Butler

Hollywood continues to strenuously insist that Butler, outgunned last summer by a pair of vibrating panties, is an A-list attraction. The public, however, has plugged its ears and hummed loud enough to avoid yet another pitch about how this time he's really going to come through. Wait until you see the chemistry between him and Jen Aniston! they crowed about The Bounty Hunter, but all moviegoers heard was the buzzing chorus of "Bad Romance" as they bought tickets to see Alice in Wonderland a second time. So what's a single, ostensibly-rakish-but-not-in-an-endearing-Clooney-way dude with a spotty box office track record to do? Bjorn a pudgy infant to his chest, stroll into CAA, and tell them he's serious about taking things up a notch.

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Comments

  • stolidog says:

    Clearly, Heidi Montag. After realizing that her surgical enhancements did nothing to postpone the ending of her show and her fame, Montag could clearly benefit from simultaniously adopting 10 rainbow babies to successfully suplant the nations fixation on the octomom, Anjie Jolie and that Gosseling woman. Let's call the show Montag's multicultural militia.

  • raincoaster says:

    The only way Polanski could benefit from a secret adoption at this point is if he were secretly adopted by Sandra Bullock. That's what it's gonna take.

  • happygolucky says:

    Stopped by specifically to find the ML take on the Bullock story and I tell you I'll be grinning for a week thinking of that faux cover!

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