Say Whaaaa? Baldwin Begs, Gwyneth Gabs, and More of the Week's Most Absurd Crap

As much as I hate to call anyone into the office on such a lovely spring day, it's time to bring back the Say Whaaaa? Singers for another incredulous run through the most ridiculous, baffling, crazy-making and otherwise head-scratching news of the week -- now with twice the Gwyneth!

5. Scott Baio Loses It

You might have heard the former teen heartthrob and TV star was born again as a flag-waving right-wing radical. But did you know he was fond of taking out his hilarious political frustrations via various social-networking media? ""My butt is getting itchy with all these trolls up in it," he tweeted this week, responding to an ongoing blog feud in his name. "Adopt another cat or butt lick someone else. Envy must really suck." Say whaaaa? If this is envy, why do I feel like throwing up?

4. The Fake Punch Heard 'Round the World

According to The Onion, hype around Iron Man 2 had reached a fever pitch when gleeful fans learned Gwyneth Paltrow's character takes a punch to the face. Haha, right? Except Ain't it Cool News -- whose fake story The Onion cited in its own fake story -- played along to the point where the joke caved in like some black hole of meta. "Glorifying violence against Gwenyth's lovely and curious face... as much fun as it is - I just had to take it down after Jon Favreau personally called me crying about it," wrote editor Harry Knowles. Say whaaaa? "As much fun as it is?" If Jon Favreau ever had this freak-o dirtbag's number, it might be time to lose it.

3. The Fake Punch 'Round TiVo

If you really wanna sell an episode of Law & Order: SVU these days, you've got to drop Mariska Hargitay undercover in a slaughterhouse where the boss punches her in the face. Say whaaaa? Strangely, this event did not cross Harry Knowles's "fun" threshold.

2. So Sayeth Gwyneth

Nothing is better than a good, crazy Gwyneth Paltrow quote like "Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired." Say whaaaa? It gets better! Take Movieline's Paltrow Quote Quiz. It'll sooo enliven your happy hour.

1. Payable to Stephen Baldwin

Of all the staggering audacity to be found on the Web site -- where you, Gentle Reader, can personally contribute cash to help rebuild the bankrupt, born-again actor's finances -- the best might be this FAQ exchange:

Q: What percentage of a gift actually reaches Stephen?

A: 100% goes directly into his bank account through online gifting.

Q: What about other people who are hurting in this economy?

A: Those that just came to your mind mail them a token gift also.

Say whaaaa? I guess this means I'd better register