United States of Tara Smackdown: When You Are Carrying Your Landscaper's Love Child

Patton Oswalt may not be getting much love from NBC these days but at least the comedic actor is still getting paychecks from his dysfunctional family at Showtime. Playing the best buddy of Tara's husband Max (John Corbett) and the occasional f*ck buddy of Tara's sister Charmaine (Rosemarie DeWitt), Oswalt's character Neil has taken a few punts to the head this season, and after last night's episode, "Doin' Time," viewers learned that the beatings will not cease anytime soon. The play-by-play on Neil's latest twist of fate, and Tara's latest flying clothesline to her psyche, after the jump.

Round One: Your Husband's Front Lawn Arrest

For once, the family has to deal with the consequences of Max's unwise actions when the Gregson patriarch is arrested for beating the sh*t out of a co-worker at a children's birthday party. To be fair, the aggravated assault was deserved -- the co-worker had not paid him.

Risks: Feeling protective of her husband, Tara could have transitioned into Buck, assaulted the cops and earned himself (and Tara) a stay in the slammer.

Outcome: Tara takes control of the situation, tells the kids to go back into the house ("Kate, you're still grounded") and speeds off in her VW to pick up the pieces.

Winning Personality: Tara

Round Two: The Bail-Out Drive Goes Awry

During her ride to the police station, Tara hallucinates that her latest alter, Shoshana Shaunbaum (Hippie Therapist Ph.D.), is sitting in the passenger seat of the vehicle as it speeds down the highway.

Risks: Multi-car pile-up.

Outcome: Tara drives her car off the road and into a traffic sign. Unable to keep driving (the car had inflicted some kind of mysterious, sign-related damage), Tara and Shoshana have a spontaneous roadside therapy session, leaving Max to rot in jail.

Winning Personality: Shoshana

Round Three: Sleepwalking to the Suicide House

After a blow-up between Tara and Max, Tara transitions into Shoshana and walks over to the suicide house. Max follows and asks Shoshana for his own counsel.

Risks: Doctor-patient confidentiality issues and best interest conflicts galore.

Outcome: Max and Shoshana begin their session as Tara watches the scene unfold from the hallway. Repercussions next week!

Winning Personality: Shoshana

Overall Score: Shoshana: 2; Tara: 1

Bonus Round: Neil's Paternity Sideshow

Charmaine finds out that she is carrying Neil's baby which is kind of a problem since she is engaged to Nick. Making matters worse, Charmaine still has a thing for Neil's "weird, sweet little body. He's got this patch of fuzz on his lower back right above his ass crack. I named it Sophie...I want my wedding pictures with Nick and my wedding night with Neil." Tune in to see how Charmaine will inevitably cause Neil's world to fall apart all over again.

Dialogue So Edgy It Could Be Used As a Weapon

"You move like a retarded baby."

"I saw your girlfriend earlier. Did you kick her like a meth habit?"

"Then why are you wasting your time with Jungle Snatch? Check her, dude."

"Wait, why does Mrs. Butterworth have to be black? Aunt Jemima too. That's some f*cked up racist pancake sh*t."

"We're not laughing because it's funny. We're laughing to keep from blowing our brains out."