Say Whaaaa? Pervy Fergie, Pervier Seagal, and More of the Week's Most Absurd Crap

Ding! goes the elevator at Movieline HQ, which can only mean one thing on a Friday afternoon: The Say Whaaaa? Singers have arrived with all their double-barreled disbelief at the week's most baffling, outlandish, disturbing and/or ridiculous cultural events. And I do mean "events," as even the Cannes Film Festival got in on the WTF act in recent days. Let's have a look at the top five:

5. The Joneses: Everything Must Go!

The producer of the now-playing status-symbol-consumption satire The Joneses rhapsodized about a new application that will let viewers shop for featured items while they watch film clips. "We originally decided to test this out with the trailer," said Doug Mankoff. "But we found that people were playing around with the technology, hitting pause, and not watching the trailer. Not what we wanted! [Laughs.] So we decided to use a clip instead." Say whaaaa? Yes, because detracting from the actual movie itself as opposed to its commercial is always preferable. That said, as a salesman, at least he's consistent.


4. And For His Next Trick, Patton Oswalt Will Make Another Job Disappear

After alienating his short-lived Broadway co-star Megan Mullally last month, it was thought the NBC series Beach Lane might settle things down for the actor. Not quite, according to reports that Oswalt walked out of the show's first table read. "One source added that producers have offered Oswalt another part instead," noted THR, "but it's unclear at this time if Oswalt is interested in staying on the show in a different role." Say whaaaa? You know that exclusive club of performers who've won an Emmy, Tony, Grammy and an Oscar? Oswalt may be the first guy to burn all four of those bridges -- and he's on pace to do it by, like, June.

3. Cannes Snubs the Ladies

For the first time since 2005, no women directors have work featured in the Cannes Film Festival competition line-up. Say whaaaa? I know, right? Going back to 1999, a stunning 93.1 percent of competition directors have been dudes. That leaves even the Say Whaaaa? Singers speechless.

2. Steven Seagal, Employer of the Year

As bad as Jenny McCarthy's tale of skeevy Seagal audition torment was 12 years ago, remember: Things could always be worse. Take this week's sexual-harassment lawsuit by a former Seagal "assistant" alleging that last year, upon showing up for her first day of work, discovered that "Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian 'Attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." And she was hired to replace one of them. Say whaaaa? Good grief. Lawman my ass.

1. Meet Fergie Oliver

Canadians might be familiar with the game-show host and broadcaster, but here in the States, this week's excruciatingly intimate introduction was grounds for deportation. There are no words. Well, except for Say whaaaa?


  • LickyDisco says:

    What the flying Fraggle Rock was THAT?!? Please tell me this man is sitting in a jail cell somewhere awating trial on child molestation charges.