In Memoriam: American Idol's Newest Losers Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens

Idol's double-homicide last night had the air of an overdue spring cleaning. It was as if the voting public said, "What's this bland 17-year-old girl doing stocked with the linens? I'll give her to Amvets." Nonetheless, we did lose two "talented" (read: in tune) vocalists somewhere in Adam Lambert's green smoke last night. They deserve a proper eulogy like any other victims of the Urbanator.

Andrew Garcia

Legacy: Referenced Paula Abdul in the best ways possible: 1) with an acoustic take on "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week, and 2) with oversize blazers every week! Unfortunately he didn't pair them with leggings or a dancing animated cat, and that's why he's dead now. Andrew's performances of "Sugar We're Going Down" and "Forever" also caused multiple preteens to blow kisses in the wind and experiment with their cold-hearted snakes.

What Could've Been: More vastly inappropriate song choices! If he deemed "Genie in a Bottle" workable material, anything is possible. For next week's "Inspirational" theme, he might've chosen life-affirming jams such as "Janie's Got a Gun" or "Fast Car" or an unreleased Insane Clown Posse b-side called "F*ck This Life (I'm Motherf*ckin' Ditchin' My Kids)." For Disco Week, he'd have stepped up and chosen "Best of My Love," sounding real twee during the "Sooo-hooo! Soo-hoo! I got ta' have ya, bay-bay" parts. I'm nostalgic for how unbearable it'd have been already.

We Already Miss: Calling him Eggbert. Calling him a Jonah Hill sketch character. Calling him a khaki-dressed peanut M&M. Calling him things so we didn't have to deal with Andrew Garcia as an entity.

Closing Remarks: After establishing himself as an early front-runner, Andrew slipped up with lame song choices, creepy vocals, and a general lack of Idol moments. Hopefully his friendship with Lee Dewyze will survive this -- if only so Lee's howl next week doesn't resemble a master-mourning basset hound's.

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