5 Potential Challenges for Michael Bay's New Action-Adventure Reality Show
Our new cousin Nellie Andreeva at Deadline reports that pyrotechnically-inclined auteur Michael Bay is shopping around a reality series entitled One Way Out, a lawless game in the mold of Survivor, The Mole and The Amazing Race that "pits ordinary people from all walks of life against each other." Just what surprises will the Transformers director have up his short sleeve for this one? We're not sure, so we've taken the liberty of suggesting 5 challenges that would perfectly suit a Bay-branded show. (We even wrote him some hosting patter!)
Week One: Race to Cast the Hottest Underage Extra
"Contestants, you may have heard that I made Megan Fox's career by putting her in six-inch heels and a wet stars-and-stripes bikini when she was just 15. I know you can't top that, but if anybody can get footage of a featured extra seductively licking a creamsicle and that featured extra just so happens to be turning 18 in two weeks, I think it would be perfect B-roll for my Rosemary's Baby remake."
Week Two: Put Together the Best Wardrobe for this Totally Bitchin' Playboy Mansion Party Tonight
"All right, nerds. We're hitting up Hef's place tonight, and you need to bring it. You'll be graded on pectoral acreage and an utter lack of self-consciousness, and Aimee, Ashlee, Mollee and Cindee here will be your guest judges, so don't f***ng embarrass me."
Week Three: Create the Biggest Explosion for Victoria Secret's Next Lingerie Commercial
"You may be wondering what we're doing in the New Mexico desert today. Two answers: tax breaks, and we're making a goddamn Victoria's Secret commercial. Today's winner will be the one who's able to create the biggest explosion to go off in the background while Adriana Lima writhes around in some hundred-dollar garters. I don't care if you have to commander a fighter jet to fire a f****n' cruise missile at the asphalt behind these chicks...I want my ball hairs to get singed from a half-mile away!"
Week Four: Add Testicles to Something That Didn't Used to Have Any F*****g Testicles
"When Hasbro or whoever came to me and said, 'Can you please make a movie out of our children's toy,' I said, 'Can I put balls on it?' We didn't have the budget on Transformers 1, but on Revenge of the Fallen, boom. Done. Your challenge today is to replicate that crowning achievement. Put balls on something in a way that does not exist in nature, and the winner is whoever builds something that gives me a half-stiffie. Just don't put balls on Adriana Lima, I tried that once and she threatened to sue."
Week Five: Blow Up the Other Contestants
"Did you ever seen that movie Battle Royale, with all those Asians? I loved it...Asians talk so f*****g weird, dude! Anyway, I bought the remake rights, and now your final challenge is to survive on this abandoned island by blowing up all of your fellow contestants before they blow you up. If you puss out and can't make the day, then I nuke the entire island at magic hour. Survive, and I will let you book my tanning appointments for the next year. That's the God's honest f*****g truth. OK, Bay out."