The Gossip Girl Pun Index: Wedding Bell Blues

Since the kids on Gossip Girl are too young to get married -- but not too young to own hotels or work in the fashion industry -- the traditional wedding episode that you'd expect to see in the third season of a series fell to the likes of Dorota the maid and her boyfriend, Vanya the doorman. And while their "bedding" -- as Vanya called it in his best John Malkovich-in-Rounders accent -- was adorable, it was like a daisy growing out of a garbage heap. For the rest of the characters, last night's Gossip Girl, "The Unblairable Lightness of Being," offered the usual array of lying, cheating, back-stabbing and even a little heartbreak (say it ain't so, Blair and Chuck!). Oh, and puns. Lots of patented, Gossip Girl-voiced, puns. How did they all rank? To the list!

· "Poor B just realized Chuck will do anything to keep the flame alive. As for Serena, it looks like she's playing with fire."

Throwing a wedding for your girlfriend's maid certainly qualifies as "anything," so Gossip Girl nailed Chuck. Not so much Serena, who was seen talking to her ex-boyfriend, a feat that would be much more rare if she wasn't already proven to be a total skank.

Pun-tastic Rating: 6 out of 10.

· "Surprise, S! A special delivery courtesy of Little J. I guess good things don't always come in small packages."

This one doesn't make a whole lot of sense -- after all, Jenny ("Little J") is actually taller than Serena ("S"), and the "package" in question was just a regular envelope -- and it might not even qualify as a pun. That said: Doesn't it just sound deliciously catty?

Pun-tastic Rating: 8 out of 10.

· "Looks like Lily's caught in a lie. Guess it's the truth that's getting massaged."

Good try, Gossip Girl -- especially since Lily was supposed to be at a spa and wasn't -- but this one doesn't hold up under inspection. Once you're "caught in a lie" doesn't any truth finagling go out the window?

Pun-tastic Rating: 4 out of 10.

[Photo: The CW]