What the 9 Remaining Idol Contestants Must Sing to Stay Alive
This week, two contestants meet untimely ends on American Idol. The strangest part of this dual execution? Everyone's in jeopardy. The long-cemented frontrunners have slowed down significantly, and the waste-of-space also-rans have pledged to up their game. Let's figure out where each of the nine finalists ought to hitch their Miley Cyrus-autographed wagons, whether to old soul classics or current Kelly Clarkson hits.
Showstopping Fetus hasn't wowed in weeks -- not with his Krackered-down versions of Beatles hits, or that amniotic gurgle, or his intrauterine gymnastics. Instead, he's belting and wobbling beyond credibility. Aaron needs "a ballad with tempo" if he's going to stay relevant in the coming weeks. Since he already suckled "Ain't No Sunshine," why not attempt another Kris Allen sho-cute classic with "Live Like We're Dying"?
Eggbert's a sure bet for elimination this week, so he needs a game-changing acoustic triumph to outlast ciphers like Katie Stevens. He's got to leap from competent crooner to full-fledged performer, and for that he better take a long hard look at Jason Mraz's "The Remedy" (not my jam, but it works for Eggland's Best here) and learn to talk-rap at an expert level.
"Jealous Guy" vaulted Casey back into contention last week, so he's got more time to enjoy how beautifully the rage-red Idol lighting falls on his wheaten tresses. At any rate, Casey can always stand to be less unassuming, and that means embracing frisky soul jams like "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" or "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" or "Ain't It Funny" (feat. Ja Rule). What I'm trying to say: The word "ain't" sounds good when Casey says it, and I want him to leverage this God-given magic into an empire.
Call Bobbysox McGee the uncontested champion all you want, but she's stagnating at a Melinda Doolittle rate. My dread is locked! You can't simply be thought of as "solid" for too long in this competition. Crystal's got to rev her best Emmylou Harris wails into a more vulnerable performance. I want some "Different Drum" or "To Know Him is to Love Him" or "Farewell Angelina" (look it up!) going on in this makeshift Monterey Folk tent.
The Principal's Bossy Niece doesn't have a prayer of cajoling this crown from Crystal, Siobhan or even Lee Dewyze. But Katie Stevens does rock a Charlotte Church-visits-Charlotte-Russe vibe that'd play tolerably if only she'd break her Stepford trance. Time for a louder, more urgent jam from Katie: Anything from Joan Jett to Avril Lavigne would be a welcome change of tune, and a welcome embrace of personality.
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