Dancing with the Stars Recap: Introducing the Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter

· Kate Gosselin

Song: "For Your Entertainent (Somnambulating Glambert Remix)"

Technical Score: 14

Performance Score: 18

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 5 (Gurgling intestinal distress, pupils rattling like jackhammers)

Comment Summary: "CLUMSY PROZAC WOMAN. You came ALIVE out there! AY YIY YIY. Slight jitterbug below the belt on my end. You showed us movement! And dancing! You're still a wretch with monster features, but ah-ooh-gah, you're a woman tonight. Never lose who you are. Well. You know what I mean!"

· Chad Ochocinco

Song: "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart (Alicia Keys Was Boring Anyway But Oh Well Here Goes a Rumba Remix Remix)"

Technical Score: 21

Performance Score: 23

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (Bashes in three ribs with a proud fist, must manually keep his groin in place with a foot)

Comment Summary: "FIRST THINGS FIRST, FOOTBALL MAN: HELLO, CHERYL BURKE! A THUNDEROUS ASS BANDIT TONIGHT! Please perform a great train robbery on my torso. I surrender all cabins. Now, Chad, this was also your best dance. You kept all your lines straight. Men rarely do that. (Twisty, suggestive eyebrow.) HUH-HA! We all venture that way if the rhythm is right."

· Pamela Anderson

Song: "I Can't Make You Love Me (Older Voter Redemption Remix)"

Technical Score: 23

Performance Score: 24

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 9 (Gyrating pelvis whaps Bergeron in the face, yells at Len Goodman and Carrie Ann Inaba to make out or he'll cry.)

Comment Summary: "Elegant. And sexy. And PAMMY-WHAMMY. And SEXROSHIMA. YES YES. (Turns into a handstand). UPSIDE DOWN IT IS SIMILAR! (Flips down.) Very refined! Very technical. Very... VROOM, LITTLE BRUNO! Thank you! Thank you! (Foam trails out of mouth and nose.)"

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