The 25 Most Uncomfortable Moments from Last Night's Celebrity Apprentice
Celebrity Apprentice embraced its noxious body odor last night with a challenge concerning Right Guard deodorant commercials. The teams were forced to create two ads, one 30-second version and one 10-second version for "viral" purposes. Because this is Susan Boyle-level material going on. Dame Holly Robinson-Peete felt the occasion warranted discussion of her kids' armpit stank, and Bret Michaels found multiple -- and justified -- reasons to burst into tears. But that's just the beginning! There's two dozen more excruciating moments where they came from.
1. Sharon Osbourne calls in sick for the 18th day in a row -- survives a third challenge without having completed a single joule of work.
2. Olympic athletes Michael Johnson and Summer Sanders cannot shoot a basketball to save their lives. Maria from the WCW outclasses them with one shot.
3. Celebrity Apprentice honcho Donald Trump shoots a single basketball. Nails the shot. Come on, guys.
4. Cyndi Lauper can't participate in the challenge because her True Colors fund is visiting President Obama during a big day in hate crimes legislation. Trump's Obama comment: "I know him. And I like him."
5. Selita Ebanks pretends her Shine On Sierra Leone charity isn't aware that she's on Celebrity Apprentice before explaining to a spokesperson that she won $20,000 on their behalf. Come on, Ebanks.
6. Holly Robinson-Peete brings up her child's "first moments of funk" -- the moment she realized he needed deodorant.
7. Cyndi Lauper retells how her 15-year-old son calls puberty "the big P."
8. Trump announces the contestants will have to work with once-dignified basketball champions Scottie Pippen and Clyde Drexler.
9. Bret Michaels has a record 15-minute-long "vision" for the deodorant commercial that requires rolling on the ground, telling Michael Johnson to be a doorbell, and the storytelling capacity of a Cub Scout. (Case in point: Why is Clyde hit with a basketball?)
10. Scottie Pippen is noticeably gray. Everyone who witnessed the Chicago Bulls' "Repeat 3-Peat" in 1998 is rendered prehistoric.
11. Curtis Stone brings Michael Johnson into a dark corner of the room to ask what team Clyde Drexler plays/played/will play for.
12. During the commercial shoot, Holly wears a gigantic Bulls uniform for reasons unknown to this reviewer.
13. Scottie Pippen deodorizes a dangling child for a dozen takes in a row.
14. Bret Michaels realizes his daughter may also have diabetes. That's heartbreaking, but the uncomfortable moment hit staccato high notes when Curtis Stone and Michael Johnson tried rubbing his shoulders in the van.
15. God love the man, but Bret Michaels probably did not have to use the phrase "blood sugar spilled into her urine."
16. Cyndi Lauper insists upon redubbing and adding to Holly's vocals (of the soon-to-be immortal tagline "Funky Godfaaaaatheerrrr") in their deodorant ad. Holly is offended, since she also recorded albums at one point -- which will be hilarious to find.
17. Michael Johnson leaves the competition for undisclosed "personal reasons." The winner of Celebrity Apprentice will be the only contestant who has personal reasons to stay.
18. During her team's presentation, Cyndi unleashes a mumbled monologue about deodorant and her son that lasts longer than her entire stay in Washington.
19. The Right Guard executives watch the men's ad and move not a facial muscle throughout the presentation. They don't even blink. The men win the challenge.
20. The Right Guard executives watch the women's ad and laugh hysterically, smack each other, caw in delight, wipe tears from their eyes, and squeal twice when it's over. The women lose the challenge.
21. George Ross revs his turtle face into gear and accuses Selita of being the laziest team member. It sounds more vindictive than accurate, and I suspect Mr. Ross was upset that he never got to present Selita with his Powerpoint presentation about unrequited love.
22. After the women lose the challenge, Summer is asked who the worst competitors were. Her response: "Holly is the strongest. I know you asked who the weakest was." And then we sat in Chekhovian silence.
23. Cyndi interrupts the boardroom conversation by interjecting, "I just have somethin' to say! And yeh not gawna like it!" Then she doesn't say it.
24. Trump fires Selita for no other reason than, "Your teammates seem more like FEROCIOUS CAT COMPETITORS than you."
25. After Selita is fired, she boards the elevator and awkwardly greets the doorman Adrian. "Well, it's nice to meet you." Except it isn't.