The Gossip Girl Pun Index: Love is a Pun-Free Battlefield

The knives were most certainly out on Gossip Girl last night. The episode ("Inglorious Bassterds" for those keeping score at home) dealt with all the little betrayals that couples do to each other on a daily basis. Or, at least couples on Gossip Girl. So Dan and Vanessa lied to each other about how they felt about their respective work, Nate got kissed by hopeful man-stealer Jenny but didn't tell his girlfriend Serena, and Chuck used Blair's emotional attachment (and l-o-v-e) to get his precious Empire Hotel back. Never mind that Chuck's a billionaire and the hotel is ultimately meaningless; it's a symbol for his father's something something something. How did Gossip Girl's cheeky puns and wordplay fit in with the episode's theme? Not very well. To the list!

"Every war has its weapons, but on the Upper East Side the rules are simple: there are no rules."

Um, this isn't a pun. It's plenty stupid — Gossip Girl sounds like the barker from the famed Coney Island game "Shoot the Freak" ("there are no rules") -- but where's the wordplay?

Pun-tastic Rating: 0 out of 10.

"Careful B, Don't forget your first rule of battle. Beware of Bass's bearing gifts."

Noticing a theme? Also, for reference "B" as in Blair is in love with Chuck Bass, so she's probably received many, many gifts from him in the past year. This is referring to his nefarious half-brother Jack, but still. Maybe Blair's first rule of battle should be a bit more specific next time.

Pun-tastic Rating: 0 out of 10.

"When all other weapons fail, there's always human sacrifice."

Again, no pun. But still incredibly stupid. Please note: there were no instances of human sacrifice on Gossip Girl last night.

Pun-tastic Rating: 0 out of 10.

Ouch. While this episode gets a "0" for puns, here's hoping next week -- which, judging from the promo may or may not include an appearance by Billy Baldwin as Serena's ne'er-do-well estranged father -- gets back on the ball.

[Photo: The CW]