Dancing with the Stars Week 3: The Good Moves, Bad Footwork, and Ugly Form
Another week, another round of Pussycat Dolls and astronauts powerhumping at the cuticles of America's voting/texting/judging fingers. In this go-around, the judges declared a new scoring champion while assuring us that Buzz Aldrin is never going to beat Olympic figure-skaters in the elegance department. Because he's a lazy jackass.
· The Good Moves: Evan Lysacek
The pirouetting pride of Naperville, Ill., outshined the competition last night with his Muppet Show-worthy quickstep. The facial expressions, the showbiznass intro -- it was all very "It's time to get things started / Why don't you get things started / It's time to get to things started / On the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational /
This is what we call the Muppet Show" to me. If he and partner Anna Trebunskaya had worn Statler and Waldorf attire and hawed like geezers at Tom Bergeron's emcee skills afterwards, perfect 10s would have ejected from the judges like bile.
· The Bad Footwork: Buzz Aldrin
I get that Dancing with the Stars is supposed to make no sense. It's a celebrity dance competition with neon feathers for brains and rage-red lycra for a heart. I'm on board for the stupidity. That said: What the hell is Buzz supposed to do? He's 146 years old. He can't fill a sailor suit with a larger-than-life jive, Carrie Ann. He can't point his toes like Dita von Teese, Len. He can't actually get out of that "crater," Bruno, not without using your spastic pelvis for a trampoline. Unfortunately, sympathy did not save Buzz, and he was yet again awarded the lowest score: a 13 -- which, as memory serves, is one of the unluckier Apollo trips.
· The Ugly Form: Kate Gosselin
Yet again, I'm handing the "Ugly Form" razzie to Kate Gosselin, who dances the way most people stand in line for roller coasters. She has the prima ballerina grimace a few lessons too early. I prefer seeing that kind of frosty mug only when it's accompanied by headlines like, "KATE TO JON: I'M OUT!" or "KATE TO WORLD: I'M STICKIN' AROUND!" I don't need to see it in somnambulatory routines set to lesser-liked Lady Gaga songs.