5 Possible Next Projects For Charlie Sheen If He Ditches Men
The news shook Hollywood to its very core: Charlie Sheen, the most handsomely remunerated mumbler in television history, has been telling "friends" (you know, the kind who respond to this kind of intimate soul-baring with an immediate call to People) that this season of Two and a Half Men might be his last, rumblings that certainly are not just a carefully choreographed tactic for any upcoming contract renewal negotiations. But if he is is, in fact, ready to step away from Men if they're not willing to make him a million-and-a-half-per-episode player, what's next for the Ma-sheen? Movieline is more than happy to throw out some suggestions for Sheen's potential new projects.
Navy Seals: Locked and Reloaded
Other than reprising his role as Bud Fox in the upcoming Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, ever since Two and a Half Men's march to the top of Mt. Nielsen, Sheen's allowed his once-hot (OK, long-long-ago-hot) feature career to cool as he enjoyed the luxury of the leisurely multicamera sitcom lifestyle. With the announcement of the graphic novel adaptation of SEAL, there's obviously some heat around the subject matter, so there's no better time to grease himself up and squeeze back into the old wetsuit for a reboot of the 1990 hit. Sign up Taylor Lautner as your new Michael Biehn and you've got yourself a project ready to be dumped into the late August box-office swamp, later to turn profitable on the Netflix/Redbox circuit.
Major League: The Comeback
...or if Charlie's looking for a different way back into the big-screen game, and one that leverages his current comedy stardom, America would be more than thrilled to watch him once again don his No. 99 Cleveland Indians uniform. Sure, Sheen's 45, but maybe Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn has learned the knuckler during a decade-long stint kicking around the minors spurred by the adrenaline junkie's inability to just let it go. "They're still sh*tty," intone the Asian groundskeepers as the cyclically hapless Tribe begin their slow ascent in the standings behind the junkballing, resurgent Vaughn. But their tune will change from sad trombone to ecstatic Troggs cover as Wild Thing strides confidently to the mound with the American League Division Series on the line, and, summoning the muscle memory of the fireballer he once was, launches an ill-advised heater five feet to the right of his catcher's glove. "Juuust a bit outside," slurs Bob Ueker before chugging from a bottle of Jack Daniels and passing out at the mic, which picks up the faint sound of his liver exploding. Sadly, the Indians get bounced in the first round of the playoffs, but Ricky -- and Sheen -- proves they can carry off a comeback. (Though 10 days after the premiere, he drives a Ferrari through a neighbor's front gate and winds up "cooling down" at Promises Malibu for a couple of weeks.)
Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew: Sheen Edition
Given Sheen's recent domestic violence and substance abuse troubles, it might be time for him to bite the image-rehabilitation bullet and throw himself into the firm embrace of cable television's most ubiquitous caregiver. Fans of Celebrity Rehab know that Dr. Drew's recently "treated" former Sheen companionship-provider Heidi Fleiss, as well as Fleiss's explosively troubled former partner, Tom Sizemore. Reunite all three in the Pasadena Recovery Center (and let's throw Gary Busey and a burlap sack full of sketchily sourced vitamins in the mix, just for fun) and let the televised healing begin!
The Modern Family Arc
Even if Sheen pulls the ripcord on his sitcom career, he could still throw TV a curveball by turning up on TV's most critically acclaimed family comedy, stretching his legs in the single-camera format. Perhaps Sheen could play a wild college buddy from self-delusionally "cool dad" Phil's past who crashes on the Dunphy's couch as he passes through town, luring the long-tamed father out to booze-and-coke-fueled nights out at the nudie bar. Or he could go against type by signing up to be Mitchell and Cameron's handsome gay nanny, driving a jealous wedge between the couple. Or, in a darker turn, he plays Manny's creepy kidnapper, inspiring Ed O'Neill's Jay to go on a Mel-Gibson-in-every-movie-style revenge-bloodbath, piling up the bodies like cordwood until his rotund stepson is returned home safely. What we're saying is: there's a Family waiting for him on ABC if things don't work out with CBS.
Sheen: The Musical!
Somewhere inside that gruff, troubled exterior is a gleeful song-and-dance man just waiting to burst out. Broadway, release the tap-dancing Sheen-Kraken!