9 Bleedin' Ridiculous Jason Statham Character Names
Just as you can count on Christopher Walken to do some sort of dance in most of his films, and for John Cusack to suffer some kinda hideous relationship blow-out, so too can you rely on Jason Statham to be lumbered with a name that in real life causes young children to be bullied as mercilessly as red-headed step-children. Upcoming 1980s action throwback The Expendables continues the fine tradition, with The Stath going by the name "Lee Christmas." Orright, compared wiff 'is ovva character monikers, it's a bit pissweak even if you've nevva blown tha froff off a couple down the rubbity with anyone answering to that surname. Another nine -- all dumber -- after the jump.
1. Chev Chelios -- Crank and Crank: High Voltage. Chev is a shortened form of the French "chevalier" for "knight," though I associate it most readily with Chevy, while "Chelios" invokes ice hockey player Chris Chelios, who has the most penalty minutes on record. So, this incarnation of the Stath is like a fuel-injected noble who'll smash your teeth out, orright? Perhaps this one's not quite as dumb as it sounds.
2. Terry Leather -- The Bank Job. This underrated 1970s crime caper's one of Statham's better flicks, and though the name's unlikely, it again admittedly suits the character, who is -- surprise -- a charmingly caddish chap given to lootin' vaults and cheatin' on the missus. All with somefink of a conscience, mind.
3. Handsome Rob -- The Italian Job. Anovva job, anovva nickname to continue the line established by seminal Stath crime character...
4. Bacon -- Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels. What could be more geezeresque than naming a Wide boy after Britain's national dish?
5. Turkish -- Snatch. Perhaps with an eye to promotional fast food tie-ins, Guy Ritchie makes it literally possible to order a "Stathwich." As in, "I'll have a Bacon on Turkish, cheers, darlin'."
6. Monk -- Mean Machine. Okay, against the other inmate names -- Chiv, Mouse, Cigs, Billy The Limpet, Trojan, Massive -- Monk seems pretty tame. Not that the character earned it by being a pussy: he's separated from the other prisoners because he's a psychotic killing machine... who meditates.
7. Mr B. -- Turn It Up. That's Mr. Bollocks to you.
8. Jericho Butler -- Ghosts Of Mars. One of those instantly fake-sounding names created by combining two ill-fitting words -- here a Middle Eastern City and British-sounding profession. Rejected: Cairo Beefeater and Damascus Chimneysweep.
9. Yves Gluant -- The Pink Panther. The Stath's silliness can't even be lost in translation. "Yves" originates with "yew," a type of wood, while "Gluant" equates to "sticky." No wonder Mr. Stickywood gets killed in the opener.
It's worth noting that these novelty tags seem to work against Statham at the box office -- The Transporter trilogy is still his biggest success and he goes there by the simple "Frank Martin." Still, with a ton of projects announced, here's hoping he keeps "Daft Name" as his major script suggestion so the trend can continue into such rich grounds as Gnomeo And Juliet and The Grabbers. Suggestions welcome.