Look Who's Reuniting: Kirstie Alley Plays the John Travolta Card for Big Life

If you were under the impression that A&E's new reality series Kirstie Alley's Big Life would chronicle its star's extraordinary efforts to shed a hundred pounds while simultaneously launching her Organic Liaison weight loss plan, Movieline regretfully informs you that you were wrong. The series actually documents a few random plots pulled from Kirstie's Howard Hughes-ian day-to-day life, only instead of watching as she stacks that hundredth empty milk bottle in her projector room, cameras follow Kirstie as she berates her staff, pathologically obsesses over her weight and counts the pug-sized rats she rescues from the walls of her home. After the jump, Movieline adds up the fat content from last night's episodes of the series that should have been titled Kirstie Alley's Claustrophobic Life Inside a Lemur-Infested Mansion.

1. Kirstie Compares Herself to a Bottom-Heavy Alice

Kudos to the producer who composed this narration for the intro to last night's episode:

"A friend of mine once said that coming to my house was like falling in the hole in Alice in Wonderland. You drop into an eccentric, quirky world like no other. Like Wonderland, my home is filled with things I love...Like Alice, I've had my fill of surprises. Unlike Alice, my a** didn't fit easily down the rabbit hole. With my birthday just a week away, I'm hoping that a little dancing with the Mad Hatter will whittle it down."

2. Kirstie Dreams Up (and then Promptly Forgets) Her T-Shirt Business

For a moment in last night's episode, Kirstie demonstrated an entrepreneurial impulse when she brainstormed a t-shirt slogan that could get her rich fast: "If You Think I'm Fat, F*ck You." The idea was almost immediately forgotten.

3. Kirstie Provides Comfort Food For Household Pests

After Kirstie's chubby buddy/handyman/walking punching bag Jim trapped two rotund rats that were gnawing through Casa Alley's electrical wiring, Kirstie offered the pests a small feast as a peace offering: "They must be so stressed!"

4. Kirstie's Full-Service Trainer

Instead of watching Kirstie work out last night, viewers were treated to Kirstie's trainer working himself out in a Speedo.

5. Travoltas!

Kirstie's surprise birthday party was honestly a dud (Come on, Denise Richards is the only recognizable star in attendance?) until the crowd of Scientologist guests parted and in tangoed John Travolta and his wife Kelly, who had flown in from Florida for the special occasion. All three teared up, embraced in a group hug and then retreated to a booth where Kirstie made a joke about wanting to "get laid" as per usual, and proceeded to open their gift -- a flashy diamond necklace.