James Cameron Apologizes For Writing The 'Awesomest' Movie Of All Time -- Sorry!
Yesterday, we noted Battlefield Earth screenwriter J.D. Shapiro's mea culpa for penning, in his words, the suckiest movie of all time. (Which you can read in its entirety here.) Not to be outdone (and no doubt fueled by Avatar's still-stinging Best Picture snub), super-competitive director James Cameron has issued his own
imaginary exclusive apology to Movieline.
"Let me start by apologizing to anyone who went to see Avatar. Because you probably suffered expensive dry-cleaning bills when your mind was blown out onto the back of your theater seat. Sorry. That happens when I make a movie.
It wasn't as I intended -- promise. I wanted 4-D, but ultimately had to settle for just three dimensions. No one (but me) sets out to make the cinematic equivalent of an orgasm injected directly into your cerebral cortex. Actually, comparing it to an injectable orgasm isn't really fair, because even the best orgasms only last a few fleeting seconds. Avatar was, like, four hours long. Four hours of toe-curling pleasure. You're welcome.
It started, as so many of my choices do, with my W'illi Maakto. (That is my Na'vi nickname for my penis.)
It was 1994, and I'd been having a hell of a time coming up with a follow-up idea for Titanic. But then, one day, I was visited by a gorgeous blue creature who claimed to be from a jungle planet called Pandora in a faraway galaxy, who told me they'd been monitoring me since Terminator 2, and invited me to the secret Hometree Centre in Los Angeles to learn about their culture and history. I thought, hey, it's probably full of hot blue ladies, so I accepted the invitation.
Touring the facility, I didn't find any eligible Na'vi females at first (they had all been "paired"), but I did meet Neytiri, an unimaginably beautiful woman who said she was a fan of Titanic. ("Who isn't?" I asked, because at the time that was the highest-grossing movie ever made.) We ended up talking for over two hours. She told me why their Hometree is so great. I told her that, when it comes to worshipping nature, anything magic trees do to reward, threaten, and try to control people (using an unknown like having your soul absorbed into its glowing branches) is dangerous.
Nevertheless, Neytiri called me a few days later and asked if I'd be interested in doing my next movie about the Na'vi. Eventually, I had dinner with Eytukan and Mo'at -- about 10 Pandorans in all. Eytukan asked me, "So, Jimbo, what brought you to the Hometree Centre?"
I told him. He smiled and replied, "We can make you a special braid with crazy little tentacle things wiggling around at the end for that." I didn't know if the braid would help me get laid with a giant blue lady or it if would stop me from thinking with my own human genitalia.
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