Project Runway Recap: Patterns-a-Plenty!

The Runway

Mila bombs this challenge with a blast that would send J. Robert Oppenheimer back to Algebra AB. With her Crayola Washable-streaked pattern, she fashions a long, thick, canvas-like dress that would look at home -- like, lived there for its entire adult life -- on The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour. Worse, Mila had the nerve to blame her model Brandice for picking up the massive dress with her hands while she walked in it. Mila, if you design a fucking papier-mache fortress for a little girl to wear, she might do physical labor to make it work. Get the delusion out of your bangs.

Seth Aaron's outfit is loud, loud, loud, and fabulous. He creates a marvelous pop-art print -- very Liechtenstein -- on a goddamn blazer. This one really blazes. Topped off with a sharp, extra-zippered trouser and a gold tie, this look proves how unstoppable and consummately inspired this man is. He's still my pick to win it all.

Anthony's subtle purple print and generic black silk don't make for a runway triumph. His attempt to add interest in the torso with crosshatching is unsuccessful, and the lame shrug he finished the garment with solidifies this as a deserving bottom-three entry.

Maya's look is a true original: Her electric orange print wraps the sides of her short dress while a fluffy three-dimensional fixture pops on the torso. It's loud, but Michael Kors's bitching is regularly louder than the mid-flight Concorde. Remember that challenge when the Concorde couldn't get in a word edgewise? Embarrassing for the Concorde.

Emilio's print perplexed Tim at first, who thought it was a homo-rific tribute to Seth Aaron's initials, but the runway look is quite chic. The print dominates the visuals, and it's a kicky little number that's cocktail-ready. But there's no way he can win. Right?

Jonathan is obsessed with the quietness of his fabric, but it gets so quiet that it becomes a library of yawns. It's a milky gray print with weird bubbles and undulations that you only see in the close-up. It's like The Yellow Wallpaper. If you stare hard enough, you see throbbing eyes and children vomiting in the print, and your husband chains you to the bed while you recover from your "tiredness" disease. But then you trap him at the door when he comes back, and because you're an unreliable narrator, you might have killed him. We all read this story, right? Anyway. Not a hot fabric. And props to 12th-grade English.

With little fanfare, Heidi announces that Emilio is the winner. Come. On. Seth Aaron weaved a six-piece suit that will give Michigan J. Frog a haughty Upper East Side fanbase for generations. It was stunning. Maya made a delicious little frock too. Emilio made a nice print and just stapled it to every dress you've ever seen. Rage on, readers. But wait, the hits play on: Mila is not even considered for bottom two consideration, even though Cher nonchalantly threw her dress at Gregg Allman during a confrontation in the Lambourghini in '85. Instead, Jonathan and Anthony round out the lose-iest losers, and Anthony is dismissed! What! Outrage! Our Sugarbaker Sharpshooter! There's not a minute to lose: Our interview with Anthony is coming -- and it will allay your doubts about God existing, or at least not being as fabulously Agnes Moorehead-like as Tim Gunn wants. Coming up!

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