In Memoriam: Last Night's American Idol Loser

It was a sad, sad night at the rage-red American Idol vomitorium yesterday. The final 11 contestants found out who wouldn't tour this summer, like the kid from summer camp with the fatal allergy to sumac. This week's evictee served as a fine presence for the past month, but did not survive the texting abilities of America's preteen vote-jockeys. Iron your black work trousers and join us for a eulogy (spoilers!) after the jump.

Paige Miles

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Legacy: Paige Miles proved that Simon Cowell can call you the best voice in the competition, even if no one else on Earth agrees. A defiant stand. She also showed us the power of competing with yourself. If you can't stand up to Crystal Bowersox or Siobhan Magnus, settle for challenging yourself to become infinitely more generic. By week four, Paige was sorcerer of The Generic Kingdom. "Against All Odds" filled the corridors and rang throughout the servants' quarters. May Paige's lost Generic Fans storm the streets with flags bearing her likeness -- but not that fast, or with much energy, or fun stage presence. And may they shuffle off fast to make room for the (comparatively) electrifying Andrew Garcia!

What Could've Been: Paige would have approached R&B Week with a muttered, yet oversung version of "If I Ain't Got You," Disco Week with a boring, yet indulgent rendition of "Never Can Say Goodbye," and Originality Week with a trite, yet trite take on "I Will Always Love You." All the way to infinity.

We Will Miss Most: Those sparkling feline eyes. That step-together-step-together stage movement. That grinning and bearing it while Ellen gently suggests she try a different voice. The specter of potential that Simon claimed he saw in the woods eight miles ago, but was probably a raccoon, a freaky tree or the intoxicating stench of Elmer's Glue and moonshine left in the room after another incredible Siobhan Magnus performance.

Closing Remarks: Ah, Paige. You never lived up to hype that only a fool would've bought. But you did sing "Honky Tonk Women" with three iotas of verve. Little Aaron Kelly can get two meals from that! At any rate, we'll see you at the Idol tour. Call us if you need a ride.



Comments

  • Meena K. says:

    I thought it was cool when Ellen Degeneres said that she winds up her old music box powder box every night and sings the lyrics to "How Dry I Am." How dry I am. How dry I am. Nobody knows, how dry I am.
    PS
    I have an old Silverite music box liquor pourer that plays that tune. So cool!

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