Eulogies for the Four Eliminated American Idol Contestants
Aw, hell no. Four times over. Last night's Idol showed that the voting public hates texting in for middle-of-the-pack contenders. That's the only explanation for these four eliminations, besides game theory. With tears in our eyes, Movieline has written memorials for the loser quartet.
We Will Miss Most: His style. If the sassiest member of DeBarge put down the mic pack and picked up a passion for assisting magicians, he'd be the beta version of Mr. Hall.
What Could've Been: A solemn tribute to his former The Color Purple costar Fantasia Barrino -- a cool rendition of "Summertime" during Standards Week. Except after the line, "And the livin' is eaze-zaaaayyyy," he'd turn the melody into a gospel breakdance anthem, scat-sing a sudden "Mama-say, mama-sah, mama-coo-sah," mumble abracadabras, and backflip into the crowd.
Eulogy: He tackled Tina Turner, Kelly Clarkson, and Queen, but still, the gayest viewing audience in the history of primetime voted him off. Alice Walker will now turn this into a three-act meditation on injustice, suffering and lesbian undertones.
We Will Miss Most: Her deceiving Pollyanna exterior. Katelyn's 'do may have been fluffy, but her Wurlitzer-pouncing fingertips remained hardened stalactites. And her passive-aggression, which always brought out the hollowness in Simon Cowell's eyes.
What Could've Been: A toughening of song choices. An effigy of Carole King. And most of all, an achingly -- nay -- scathingly slow version of "Macarthur Park" during Disco Week.
Eulogy: Though Ellen wasn't sure if Katelyn had a piano, a guitar, a bassoon, or a stealthy yak on stage with her, the un-flatironed pride of West Des Moines really put the "curls" in "corn-curls over root beer" (the official Iowa state meal.)
We Will Miss Most: His birth name, Mumbles the Mullet. His sea-monkey stage presence. The way he always barfed before appearing on TV with Ryan Seacrest.
What Could've Been: If his nervousness had sorted itself out, we could've enjoyed plenty of winning performances. During Rolling Stones week, he'd have ripped into "Let's Spend the Night Together," stamping his foot on the ground and remembering how cool it was when Kara DioGuardi sat him down backstage and whispered what sex was.
Eulogy: Alex's vocals promised a bright future -- but unfortunately, we stopped hearing his vocals during week one, when he lost them in a tragic mumbling accident. This RIP comes too late.
We Will Miss Most: The Ashlee Simpson vocals rejiggered as twee yelps. The Ozarks-gift-shop earrings. The frozen wizard tresses.
What Could've Been: An extra-cooing rendition of "Emotional Rescue" during Top 12 week. "I'd be your savior / Steadfast and troo-OH-ooh-ooh-OW. Oh, Ow. /Come to your emoooooootionawwwl-rahhhhskewww. AH-OW." Then she'd slurp birdseed from the judges table while Randy gasped, "That is truth, dawg."
Eulogy: All the "weirdo" votes went to Bowersox and Magnus, and FernGu-Lilly was shafted. A pity indeed. Oh, well. Now shes get to resent Katie Stevens' existence in private, high up in the sanctuary of her kapok tree.