Eulogies for the Four Eliminated American Idol Contestants

Aw, hell no. Four times over. Last night's Idol showed that the voting public hates texting in for middle-of-the-pack contenders. That's the only explanation for these four eliminations, besides game theory. With tears in our eyes, Movieline has written memorials for the loser quartet.


lillyscott150.jpg

Todrick Hall

We Will Miss Most: His style. If the sassiest member of DeBarge put down the mic pack and picked up a passion for assisting magicians, he'd be the beta version of Mr. Hall.

What Could've Been: A solemn tribute to his former The Color Purple costar Fantasia Barrino -- a cool rendition of "Summertime" during Standards Week. Except after the line, "And the livin' is eaze-zaaaayyyy," he'd turn the melody into a gospel breakdance anthem, scat-sing a sudden "Mama-say, mama-sah, mama-coo-sah," mumble abracadabras, and backflip into the crowd.

Eulogy: He tackled Tina Turner, Kelly Clarkson, and Queen, but still, the gayest viewing audience in the history of primetime voted him off. Alice Walker will now turn this into a three-act meditation on injustice, suffering and lesbian undertones.


lillyscott150.jpg

Katelyn Epperly

We Will Miss Most: Her deceiving Pollyanna exterior. Katelyn's 'do may have been fluffy, but her Wurlitzer-pouncing fingertips remained hardened stalactites. And her passive-aggression, which always brought out the hollowness in Simon Cowell's eyes.

What Could've Been: A toughening of song choices. An effigy of Carole King. And most of all, an achingly -- nay -- scathingly slow version of "Macarthur Park" during Disco Week.

Eulogy: Though Ellen wasn't sure if Katelyn had a piano, a guitar, a bassoon, or a stealthy yak on stage with her, the un-flatironed pride of West Des Moines really put the "curls" in "corn-curls over root beer" (the official Iowa state meal.)


lillyscott150.jpg

Alex Lambert

We Will Miss Most: His birth name, Mumbles the Mullet. His sea-monkey stage presence. The way he always barfed before appearing on TV with Ryan Seacrest.

What Could've Been: If his nervousness had sorted itself out, we could've enjoyed plenty of winning performances. During Rolling Stones week, he'd have ripped into "Let's Spend the Night Together," stamping his foot on the ground and remembering how cool it was when Kara DioGuardi sat him down backstage and whispered what sex was.

Eulogy: Alex's vocals promised a bright future -- but unfortunately, we stopped hearing his vocals during week one, when he lost them in a tragic mumbling accident. This RIP comes too late.


lillyscott150.jpg

Lilly Scott

We Will Miss Most: The Ashlee Simpson vocals rejiggered as twee yelps. The Ozarks-gift-shop earrings. The frozen wizard tresses.

What Could've Been: An extra-cooing rendition of "Emotional Rescue" during Top 12 week. "I'd be your savior / Steadfast and troo-OH-ooh-ooh-OW. Oh, Ow. /Come to your emoooooootionawwwl-rahhhhskewww. AH-OW." Then she'd slurp birdseed from the judges table while Randy gasped, "That is truth, dawg."

Eulogy: All the "weirdo" votes went to Bowersox and Magnus, and FernGu-Lilly was shafted. A pity indeed. Oh, well. Now shes get to resent Katie Stevens' existence in private, high up in the sanctuary of her kapok tree.



Comments

  • Pierre says:

    I was disappointed that Lilly got eliminated. She was always trying something original. Alex has a good voice and deserved to be in the top 12. I thought that Todd might have saved himself based on his Wednesday night performance. Katelyn put herself in jeopardy with a bad performance on Tuesday night.

  • OldTowneTavern says:

    I feel complicit in Lilly's early dismissal. After my nephew (as I like to think of him) Tyler Grady was voted off, I felt it was my fault. I voted a great deal for him, as well as Andrew, and then threw some pity votes to other contestants that I thought did a decent job. When my nephew was bounced, I thought "Oh, all those little pity votes added up and drowned him." So, I stopped. I just voted for the one person I wanted to get through. So I powerSoxed and left Lilly to fend for herself. But, I didn't vote for Paige. I can't be blamed for that.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    The Paige go-through is the most unforgivable. She hasn't had a single idol-worthy moment yet. She should follow Charlie Chaplin's lead more often and start being silent for a living.

  • Louis Virtel says:

    Except Katelyn was still better than Paige! And Lacey!

  • Van Dobrasz says:

    lol, Ryan is so funny! I love him.

  • 1. How You Can Watch Adult Movies, Films, Shows Online and Get Away With It

  • Florence totally took over at the MTV VMAs. Dog Days Are Over is quite an awesome song and it really is so much better than the crap played on the radio today.

Post a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s