Eulogies for American Idol's Four Eliminated Contestants

Michelle Delamor

I Will Miss Most: Your Top 24 victory dance. Whitney-meets-Leona-meets-the-unbearable-ecstasy-of-fame!

What Could've Been: More attempts at early 2000s rock songs like "With Arms Wide Open." I've always wanted to see System of a Down's "Chop Suey!" done up like a Corinne Bailey Rae b-side. You were going to weave that miracle.

Eulogy: You had the talent, girl. Unfortunately Kara "I Know Things, You Guys" DioGuardi ruined your moment by declaring your recent performance underwhelming, while Simon implied it was dreadful. Whatever. Bollocks to them. They like Katie Stevens, you know what I mean?

Jermaine Sellers

I Will Miss Most: Almost nothing! I can respect your attempt to make "I rocks the onesie" a catchphrase, especially if I don't think about it. Unfortunately, your screentime has been spent ruining Marvin Gaye and caterwauling to your fair-weather friend Jesus.

What Could've Been: More R&B/soul classics treated with that subtle touch of feral monster. Your version of "Superstition," complete with screaming and a onesie made of rabbits' feet, would've wooed the nation onto their roofs! And then off of them. But closer to God, arguably.

Eulogy: I believe you can be taught to sing that way. People who believe ghosts are chasing them sing that way all the time.

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