Eulogies for American Idol's Four Eliminated Contestants

During last night's Idol, Ryan Seacrest asked four more contestants to pack their knife-like vocals and go. While none of the castoffs seemed like contenders for the crown, they offered all-American showmanship and -- as first piano teachers everywhere call it -- pizzazz! We mourn the four lost souls after the jump.

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Haeley Vaughn

I Will Miss Most: Your smile. It made the deranged tabby-cat vocals turn into sophisticated jaguar sighs.

What Could've Been: More "youthful" songs in the vein of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and "The Climb." Perhaps "I Think We're Alone Now" during Mall Performer Week, and "Rubber Duckie" during Bathtub Shenanigans Week.

Eulogy: Though Simon described you as a "wind-up doll," your guitar skills and stage presence solidified you as an edgy Bratz figurine. Keep that up, I think.

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John Park

I Will Miss Most: Your Anne Murray vocals. Your Ann Curry haircut.

What Could've Been: More downstairs-at-the-Days-Inn renditions that don't belong on Idol, like "God Bless the Child." We'll never get your ironically mumbled version of "I Got Rhythm."

Eulogy: You seemed like a viable candidate during the auditions, when Shania Twain complimented your "bottom end." Your upper end was a pitchy maelstrom, but hey! Your picture remains a candlelit fixture in her Moving On From Mutt hope chest.

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Comments

  • CiscoMan says:

    America voted off 3 black people and 1 Korean, cutting the remaining minority Idol contenders in half. Coincidence? Well, no - they all sucked royally. But this is as close as I'll ever get to "stirring it up" so I thought I'd mention it.
    I think this season of Idol should be dubbed "The War of Attrition."

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