American Idol Recap: Survival of the Fetus

After Crystal Bowersox staged her own demise and tricked the ever-unprepared male contestants into performing last night, I expected the first day of Idol's Top 10 performances to go over like a lead balloon with Randy Jackson dancing the tarantella on top. Instead, the cooing little bandits improved! I rank the night's performances from worst to best after the jump, where you'll soon find yourself suffering from fetus envy.

10. John Park

The fact that Jermaine Sellers and Tim Urban ranked better than anyone should strike you as an international scandal. But John Park's teary-eyed balladeer skills failed during his performance of John Mayer's "Gravity" as he hit wrong notes and appeared self-conscious. He also hid behind a 2000-and-Late Gosselin haircut. Note to John: You can't try to look sad during a torch song! In the words of any Acting I teacher: You want to LIVE, John!

9. Jermaine Sellers

"What's Goin' On" is not just a great pop song, it's an important one. So when a mic-brandishing imp like Jermaine Sellers gets a hold of it, the screechy results can offend and embarrass and make us wish we'd only heard it through a grapevine. I appreciate his verve and attempt to do something different (an idea the judges continue to encourage and discourage, depending on how Coca-Cola red their mood rings are), but come on. This hurt.

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