Casting The Vancouver Olympics: The Movie
The entire country -- nay, the entire world! -- has been utterly captivated by the magic of the these Winter Olympics, which serve up all the going-too-fast-down-frozen-chutes, furiously-brushing-the-ice-in-front-of-a-stone and shooting-rifles-while-skiing-for-some-reason action untold millions of TV viewers can handle via the drama-reducing safety of an NBC tape delay. Hollywood, of course, can never afford to pass up an opportunity to monetize a collective obsession as quickly as possible, so plans are undoubtedly already in the works for a fictionalized version of these high-rated, pulse-quickening Games. After the jump, we do our best to help harried producers get a head start on casting the roles of Vancouver's hottest Olympic stars:
Snowboarding Half-Pipe Gold Medalist/Video Game Magnate Shaun White
The Commercial Choice: Rupert Grint
The Dangerous Choice: Tilda Swinton
The Uncharitable Choice: Sheryl Crow
Figure Skating Gold Medalist Evan Lysacek
The Crossover Choice: Idol runner-up Adam Lambert, in his first dramatic role.
The TV Producer Doppleganger Choice: The OC/Gossip Girl/Chuck's Josh Schwartz
Cartoonish Russian Figure Skating Silver Medal Villain Evgeny Plushenko
The Way Too Obvious But Somehow Very Satisfying Choice: Adrian Brody
The Maybe, But We'd Need To Find A Prosthetic Nose Budget Choice: Jude Law
Non-Medalling Figure Skating Wild-Child Johnny Weir
The Indie Choice: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
The Even More Indie Choice: Paul Dano
The We Need To Cut Out This Indie Crap And Get The Twilight Crowd All Hot And Sweaty For This Even Though There Is No Resemblance Whatsoever But Maybe We Could Sell A Reason He'd Skate Shirtless Choice: Taylor Lautner
Women's Downhill Gold Medalist Lindsey Vonn
The Lost Final Season Cameo Choice: Maggie Grace
The Kate Bosworth Choice: Kate Bosworth, or any of the dozen or so actresses who we always mistake for Kate Bosworth
Multiple Medalling American Skiier Bode Miller
The Brothers McMullen Choice: Ed Burns
The Brothers Wahlberg Choice: Donnie Wahlberg
All-Time American Winter Olympics Medal Leader Apolo Anton Ohno
The Squeakuel Choice: Justin Long, plus a poorly Photoshopped soul-patch
Bite-Sized Figure Skating Commentator Scott Hamilton
The Itty-Bitty Mogul Choice: DreamWorks' Jeffrey Katzenberg
The Another Tiny Famous Guy In Case Dwarf-Obsessed Auteur Terry Gilliam Shows Some Interest In Directing Choice: Verne Troyer
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Comments
You'd need to go with Kristen Stewart, I think, not Taylor Lautner. She may lack Johnny's emotive ability, but she's got the hair for it.
You write the only stories I can actually bother reading...everyone else is boring! thanks bro.
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