The Two-Minute Verdict: Avatar, With Babies

By now, Jim Cameron's struggle to realize the crazy vision he'd been nurturing in his head for the better part of two decades is the stuff of moviemaking legend: years of stalking hospital nurseries, showing up unannounced in OB/GYM waiting rooms to pose as a suspiciously strong-jawed woman with an endless list of detailed questions about the magical inner workings of the uterus, haunting the stalls of the Ecuadorian baby-black-market, where he could snap up every available orphan for study.

He needed to understand babies, everything about them, from their oft-unintelligible cries to the bafflingly diverse array of color and consistency of their poops, to make his dreams real. He needed to obsessively sketch six-legged rocking horses until he could imagine himself sitting on one, lost in the simple pleasures of untainted youth. He needed to be a baby. And once he finally understood -- felt the vaguely rubbery, downy-soft give of their omgsoooosquishy! cheeks every time he gently stroked a finger across his own, rough jowl, and mastered the entirely reconstructed language of coos, subverbal spit bubbles and watery burps he commissioned from a world-renown Stanford linguist -- he was ready to perfect the once-unthinkable colic-capture technology that would make it all possible. He built the hangar-sized nursery to house the hundreds of newborn actors, their fleshy bodies covered in hypoallergenic sensors that would digitize the very essence of baby, who would crawl through an entirely computer-generated adult world replete with the precious Unobgerberum they needed to survive. He got to work.

And the fruit of that labor -- so to speak -- is finally here.

It's Bavatar, and it's the game-changer we'd all been promised, but in our skeptical hearts, never allowed ourselves to believe could happen.

It's finally here.

Verdict: Everyone should stop doing Avatar parodies immediately. The Midnight Show wins.

[WARNING: Before you hit play, know that shocking images of doll mutilation await. Cameron's vision is a violently uncompromising one.]

Avatar...With Babies [Funny or Die]


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