12 Other Things the Title of Sundance Bomb Twelve Might Refer To

Last Friday, after a disastrous press and industry screening, Joel Schumacher's Chace Crawford drama Twelve finally had its public premiere as the closing film of the Sundance Film Festival. If things went any better, it's only because they couldn't have gotten much worse.

To pay tribute to this head-scratching Sundance selection, Movieline's assembled a list of items that the film's titular number might be referring to. Sure, Twelve is supposed to be the name of a new designer drug all the characters are talking about, but we like our explanations better:

The Amount of Lines Given to Chace Crawford

Whether or not Chace Crawford can act is not going to be proven by Gossip Girl (where he's used as sparingly as a set of fine china), and though he's the lead of Twelve, it doesn't do him any favors either. Every time Crawford should be spouting dialogue or letting us peer into his soul, narrator Kiefer Sutherland usurps him.

The Amount of Lines Given to Narrator Kiefer Sutherland (x 100)

Twelve is one of the most inexplicably over-narrated films ever made. You know those movies that use a narrator because their screenwriters couldn't bare to part with the chunks of beautiful prose written by the book's original author? (Think Fight Club, or any Todd Field movie.) Twelve is like that, only instead of sheer poetry, Kiefer is reading banal passages written by a 17-year-old.

The Number of Times Author Nick McDonell Read Rules of Attraction Before Writing Twelve

Publishing scion Nick McDonell had Twelve published when he was still a teenager, and it shows, as nearly every element feels cribbed from Bret Easton Ellis. Specifically, Twelve has a needlessly sprawling ensemble, a frequently second-person narrative, a hot third-act party where shit goes down, and enough drugs and pretty youths to keep Larry Clark busy for years. Needless to say, Schumacher's version is like a Xerox of a Xerox.

The Number of Key Lights On 50 Cent's Ass

Late in the movie, we're meant to feel bad for an obnoxious rich girl because she's become so hooked on Twelve that she'll sleep with a drug dealer (50 Cent) just to get more of it. There's just one thing, though: When 50 Cent strips down for this climactic scene, Shumacher simply can't help but light his Adonis-like body and bare ass in the most flattering way you've ever seen a naked body shot. The effect is less "Poor girl, this will be the ultimate example of drug-induced degradation" and more "Damn! Girl's gettin' lucky!"

The Number of Times the Press and Industry Audience Laughed at the Film

It began as a murmur, then became chuckles, but by the time a Camus quote got its incongruous title card, peals of laughter had erupted from those attending the press and industry screening that preceded Twelve's public debut.

twelvestuffed.jpg

The Number of Stuffed Animals Who Spoke to a Supporting Character During Her Twelve-Induced Hallucination

This would be where the straight-up laughing began.

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Comments

  • Martini Shark says:

    I'll toss in with: "It was the number of titles that dropped out of the festival to create a slot for this one to be accepted."

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