American Idol Recap: So Much for Kara's Happy Ending

American Idol was so caught up in guest-judges Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry last night that it forgot to inundate us with hundreds of delusional contestants! A real shame, as we all watch American Idol to see people with learning disabilities shunned. L.A. ended up giving us a few great candidates for Top 24 consideration and one slam to Kara DioGuardi's integrity that knew "No Boundaries," indeed.

3. The tempestuous Canadian judge awards you a 0.0 for having a family.

Avril Lavigne, who sat in with the panel during the first day of L.A. auditions, amplified her prissy reputation with the following advice to contestant and father-of-three Jim Ranger: "To be a pop star you have to travel." Wait, what? He can't be a pop star because he has kids? I'm glad Avril Lavigne realized her purpose on Idol is to provide a moral compass. I was looking for wisdom from the woman whose greatest artistic innovation is adding an "8" to the word "skater," a prepubescent whine to most other words, and calling both of those feats "punk."

2. Stone Solid

Tasha Layton's version of Joss Stone's "Baby, Baby, Baby" was surprising and (I'm going on blind faith here) better than the original. Strong from start to finish and actually soulful, to borrow one of Randy Jackson's three adjectives. Who knows, maybe Simon won't cut the personal assistant/minister down during Hollywood week by hoping she becomes "more likable," or something. This could work out!

1. I Dissed a Kara (And I Liked It)

Again, we're not talking about the Leonardo da Vincis of pop music here, but Katy Perry delivered a verbal suplex to quivering PanderBot Kara DioGuardi that was worthy of a music veteran twice her age. First, Kara gave the following compliment to contestant Chris Golightly regarding his childhood in foster care: "You're the kind of kid who has just enough talent, and just enough of a story and pain and stuff that you've gone through in your life to really connect with it.'' Katy replied: "This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart." Boom-slam. The fact that Kara even referred to this guy's life as a "story," like he invented it in a moment of maudlin zeal, was ridiculous. But Katy's comment also pointed out the judges' penchant for victimizing its contestants and turning the competition into a venue for happy-clappy condescension. Next, she needs to take on the patronizing waiting-room banter of the spiky-haired, mani-pedi maniac I call Colonic the Hedgehog.