Say Whaaaa? Vagazzling, Beatty Booty Math and Other Absurdities of the Week

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Welcome back to another edition of Say Whaaaa?, your Friday round-up of bizarre news, quotes and other events that apparently really occurred this week. Grab a drink, bring your friends, settle in with the Say Whaaaa? Singers, and prepare to be baffled!

5. Introducing... Shankmanese

Continuing the unprecedented transparency about his preparations for the 82nd Oscars, show co-producer Adam Shankman tweeted, "Remmber: oscars are bigger the n prese mgdtx B." Say whaaaa? Like, literally. On the bright side, the "In Memorium" montage could always benefit from more cryptography.

4. Peter Biskind shows his work

A few weeks ago, while defending his claim that Warren Beatty has slept with 12,775 women, Beatty biographer Peter Biskind cagily attributed that number to "simple arithmetic." Which is to say perhaps too simple:

Biskind claims in the book that Beatty had sex with 12,775 women, a figure he calls a "guesstimate." When I pressed him about whether it was actually an invented number, he responded: "Warren did say to someone else that he couldn't get to sleep at night without having sex with someone, so I just added up the days. It didn't seem like an unreasonable figure."

Say whaaaa? I can't sleep at night without counting sheep. Does that make me a cowboy?

3. Jennifer Love Hewitt vagazzles

The actress visited The George Lopez Show this week to discuss, among other things, her forthcoming book The Day I Shot Cupid. And it sounds great, with something in there to really stimulate every woman to a stronger sense of self, sexuality and crystal-encrusted labia. Say whaaaa? Yes, America -- we have entered the vagazzle era. May the other 207 pages of this book be just as good:

2. Dick Ebersol, NBC enforcer

While Jeff Zucker stewed over soon-to-be-exiled Conan O'Brien's on-air rants against NBC, the network's sports czar said Coco was "chicken-hearted and gutless to blame a guy you couldn't beat in the ratings." Say-- Wait! He's not done! This "astounding failure by Conan" could evidently have been avoided if O'Brien had listened to Ebersol's advice to widen his appeal for places like Des Moines and Chicago. Are you done, Dick? OK. Say whaaaa? If Leno is so influential in, ahem, Des Moines, then why did he fail in prime time? And hasn't Chicago's Second City been a crucible of talent from which Saturday Night Live and other NBC properties have drawn for decades? Surely there must have been more appropriate locales for Ebersol to condescend to. Better luck next time, Dick.

1. Pat Robertson's "true story"

The pop-culture madness of the week meant nothing against the catastrophic aftermath of Haiti's earthquake, which killed untold tens of thousands, left as many as 3 million people without food, water and/or homes, and leveled around 30 percent of buildings in Port-Au-Prince. Enter televangelidiot Pat Robertson, declaiming on his show The 700 Club:

Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French [...] and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' True story. And the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal,' " Robertson said. "Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another."

Say whaaaa? I think I might just defer to Haiti's ambassador to the U.S. Raymond Joseph and get out of the way:

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