How To Deal With Simon Cowell's Departure from American Idol

Knowing what an emotionally devastating development Simon Cowell's departure is for an Idol fanbase still reeling from the gut-punch of smothering, coherence-impaired den-mother Paula Abdul's cruel banishment from karaoke Eden, Movieline would like to wrap its strong arms around the grieving and let them know that everything's going to be all right, our whispered, calming assurances slowly halting their convulsive sobs. After the jump, our advice to those having difficulty coping with this most unpleasant news.

Enjoy Him While You've Still Got Him

If we've learned anything from the regrettable Paula Abdul situation, it's to enjoy someone while we still have them around. Had we known that Idol producers were going to bind Abdul's arms, place a giant, plaster helmet bearing MC Skat Cat's likeness atop her head, and abandon her in the desert to wander aimlessly until a sandstorm-battered jeep full of X-Factor producers eventually rescues her, we would have better appreciated every insane minute of our remaining Paula time. And so, Idol fans, we implore you to appreciate your last season of Cowell. Savor every barb. Pause your DVRs to count the individual hairs forming his meticulously maintained butt-cut/flat-top hybrid, and trace the contours of the swelling pectorals barely contained by a tight-fitting black sweater. Revel in each delicious time Simon, having patiently sat through the blindly positive, dawg-smattered appraisals of his tin-eared fellow panelists, crushes a young singer's dreams with a soul-puckering "Hated it." These last moments together will be precious indeed.

Forgive Any Apparent Signs Of Boredom And Disinterest

In any break-up, no matter how one-sided, there will be a certain level of acting out to demonstrate one's reclaimed independence. Should the camera catch Simon wearing iPod earbuds, crafting a string of paper dolls in the shape of Ryan Seacrest, or trying to enjoin Kara DioGuardi in a thumb-wrestling match during a performance, realize that such actions are just his way of distancing himself from a relationship he doubtlessly cherishes. He's not trying to wound us by catching a quick cat-nap in the middle of a San Diego bartender's pitchy rendition of "Bad Romance," he's just showing us how much he still loves us, even if we can't be together any more.

Look Forward To The New Feuds With Ellen

With just a single season alongside Ellen DeGeneres, the relentlessly honest Cowell won't have time to develop any kind of hard-won affection for Idol's new designated cheerleader, a situation sure to quickly devolve into entertaining cattiness. By the first Hollywood show, an enmity will have developed between the panel's two biggest egos after enduring the grind of the season-opening freak parade, with Seacrest doing what he can to stoke their fledgling rivalry. Even with a questionable engagement level, it shouldn't be long before Cowell can't help but take cheap shots at Ellen's heavily pants-reliant fashion sense, bring up her puppy-trafficking past, or threaten to steal away Portia De Rossi. With nothing to lose, there's hope Cowell will dedicate himself to driving his new foil completely insane. That's entertainment!

Remember That He's Coming Back With Essentially The Same Show In 2011

Make this your mantra: He's not leaving us forever. He's giving us one more go-around starting tomorrow night, spending a year getting X-Factor ready for air, and then sweeping back into our lives with a renewed set of purpose fueled by an ownership stake. Indeed, between the end of his final Idol campaign and his Factor rebirth, we'll have a Cowell-less season to endure next winter. But let's make it bearable by reveling in the shortcomings of whatever unlucky bastard they convince to take his spot atop a sure-to-be-dying franchise. (Don't worry, Hasselhoff's a big boy, he can take it). Then we'll all meet back at Fox in the Fall of 2011, in fresh flat-tops and breathtakingly pre-shrunk sweaters, ready to rekindle our romance.



Comments

  • stolidog says:

    They need to hire Jessica Walters to replace Simon, Jane Lynch to replace Randy and Britney Spears (pre conservatorship) to replace the Jaw. Ellen can stay with these new additions.

  • geek says:

    Fox has no shortage of arrogant jerks to replace Simon.

  • phat rob says:

    Simon is a asshole. Glad to see him go.

  • Pyllia Morrelli says:

    I think his departure is exactly what the execs deserve. They paid the Brit more than all the American judges combined, now he's taking their money and running. Thanks for supporting American workers.

  • eldstenorge says:

    With Paula gone, I have not once watched American Idol, and I will not. The treatment she received was vile. With Simon gone, there is no chance I will ever turn it on again.

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