Jersey Shore Softy Guido Award: Boardwalk Blowups
Last night's episode was, uh, loud. Vinny hosted a dinner for his family, friends, friends' families, cousin's boyfriend, aunt's jump-rope troop, the Boys and Girls' Club of Seaside Heights, a few cats, and a wise old Cribbage coach. Ronnie throttled the face of a Headliners clubgoer with just one fist, even though we wanted to see him do it with his neck. And Snooki engaged in fisticuffs with a hyperventilating blonde who did sort of throw herself into battle using hippo-reminiscent tactics. But the real question that lingers after last episode: "Who was the biggest wuss?" Will Ronnie or The Situation pull through with a third softy victory? Will Vinny's mommy love secure him a win? Or will DJ Pauly D spin some crybaby behavior on the ones and twos?
That's a blurry shot of Ronnie ditching his boys at the club to go and play the clarinet outside Sammi's window. Infuriating. DJ Pauly had gotten all riled up and gelled his haircut into a perfect Ludwig von Koopa tribute for him.
Between all the fighting, Ronnie still managed to mope around the estate and coo at his huffy girlfriend for half the episode. Some of that was warranted, like when Sammi claimed she was traumatized after Ronnie came close to pushing her on the boardwalk, or after Ronnie brought up her already-legendary "Flintstone toe," but some of it was just the sniffly bucket of frowns that Ronnie has become. I'm not happy.
But since Ronnie is so boring lately, I want to take the time to issue a warning to Vinny, who is sincerely my favorite member of the house.
Being a mama's boy is A-OK. But is his Mom straightening his shorts while he's still wearing them? That is worthy of a Softy Nomination. Vinny knows he came close to earning the title, and my nerves sharpen like his eyebrows at the thought of giving him this "honor." Don't be surprised if next week this cautionary tale escalates into a Best New Softy statuette.