Come Fly the Friendly Skies with The Bachelor, TV's Punniest Hunt for Love
Pilot Jake Pavelka, this year's Bachelor, has a lot of ladies and puns to sift through before he can choose a lifelong mate. Subtitled On the Wings of Love, this season features plenty of contestants who carry unchecked hilarity right through customs and attempt to woo Mr. Pavelka with turbulent, sometimes embarrassingly airplane-related humor. Five insane examples of fine punnery from last night's premiere have given me vertigo -- and now you can treat yourself to the spins.
5. "You should fasten your seatbelt. 'Cuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride!"
You may have heard that one, if you know Bette Davis films or are familiar with painful cliches. Contestant Rozlyn, whose name means "little rose," or so she stammers, popped out of the limo and blindsided Jake with that come-on within the first ten seconds. I put on my flotation device.
4. "Do you have a registry for these guns?"
Hey, contestant Jessie: The other only thing more generic than that opening line is... The Bachelor himself. Too true, actually In a perfect world, Jessie will focus her "ate the bad berries" eyes on Jake once an episode, stare down another contestant, and mutter, "Shoot her with your guns."
3. "I'd hate to interrupt you, but your flight attendant is here."
Now, the only thing that could make this line work is if contestant Ashley actually came out in a flight attendant uniform. Well, that's what happened. She donned a powder-blue skirt that nicely illuminated her crotch and the traditional ascot, which I assume you could hang yourself with if you had an existential crisis in the Reitman-esque terminal that is an ABC dating series.
2. "You can land your plane on my landing strip any time."
The only non-white contestant, Channy, loosed this killer bon mot in her native Cambodian first -- because it's an old proverb there -- before explaining it in English. Pavelka is too earnest and asexual for that kind of pun, Channy, and that's precisely why you didn't make it to the final 15. And because you have Perpetual Dew Eyes, which frightens young lovers.
1. "You have 25 beautiful women, including me. ...Hopefully in the end I become your co-pilot. I would love to be, um, the passenger... in your plane."
Michelle, easily the scariest contestant with her admission that "this is what I need in my life," tried for what seemed like 80 minutes to land this pun. Are you a co-pilot or a passenger, Michelle? Or are you... not even allowed on the plane? Perhaps you tried operating an illicit airport shuttle company using a stolen ice cream truck and a captain's hat? Hmm. That's not the same thing as being a co-pilot. At any rate, the joke is on me: Michelle made it into the Final 15.