Jersey Shore 'Softy Guido' Award, Week Three: 'Fade to Black'
Before we get to this week's inevitable winner, a question to all Jersey Shore zealots: Who expected Ronnie to be the most ridiculous cast member? I still can't believe it. He far outdoes JWOWW and Snooki, who, at this point in the tanning process, look like talking Chicken McNuggets from old McDonald's commercials. Ronnie cries often and bursts into fancy leg-jive boogaloos and shits where he sleeps and breaks his own rules about love-falling-in and pounds the floor when the beat gets too big. You can't dislike the "guido" whose dancefloor behavior looks like Sly Stone coping with a lava pit. Anyway, after the jump I crown this week's big wuss.
I know, I know. I already talked about him. But I go on! This week Ronnie and Sammi confronted each other about canoodling with outsider poontang at the club, and guess what ended their fight: Ronnie's big, salty, Beanie Baby-shaped tears. The Italian flag on their Seaside Heights garage warped and crumbled with each of Ronnie's high-pitched heaves. Sammi had to hug his face to stop it all.
This puts Ronnie's "Softy Guido" win count at two. Mike "The Situation" is in second place with one. We have yet to hear from Vinny and DJ Pauly, but I suspect they will stop punching the ceiling one of these days and make time to fold napkins into turtle doves. Count on it.
But that's not all the softiness for this week. I'm crowning a runner-up because the lady-face-punch of the millennium can't be ignored.
Runner-up: Vagabond gym teacher Brad Ferro
When this cocktail-stealing winner punched Snooki at the end of the episode, it was almost more gripping without video of the impact. Moral of the story: Try not to have P.E. with any angry-necked gym teachers in Queens. He may knock you off the pegboard with his fist.