Why Phantom Menace Sucks Tauntaun Balls: The Definitive Text


· I hope you can carve 70 measly minutes out of your lives to watch this painstakingly researched, edited, argued and market-tested video review of why Star Wars: The Phantom Menace -- the Howard the Duck of the Star Wars series -- well and truly sucks Tauntaun balls. Well done, Mike of Milwaukee -- and have you ever considered a career change to Christmas special narrator? Your lilting tones comfort us. (We've embedded part one after the jump; click through to access the next six chapters.) [YouTube via /Film]

· "We were wearing nothing but a lace g-string... and a weird wig," said Avatar star Sam Worthington of his Hawaii shoot. I can not wait til the director commentary, when a hysterical James Cameron recalls, "And he totally bought it! Two weeks straight of wearing nothing but Lady Gaga hair and assfloss!" [BBC]

· Mike Vollman, VP of marketing for MGM, says nothing's going to scare him away from advertising on Jersey Shore. I guess that means it's full steam ahead on the The Hot Tub Time Machine Catch Guidorrhea™ Funtest! [The Live Feed]

· Hey, look! The after-hours cleaning lady finally changed the cover lines on Men's Health! [Just Jared]

· The Banana-Hammock Worthington Lady Gaga Barbie doll collection. [Flickr]

· Still stuck on that perfect gift? How about a General Zod doll? Kneel before Zod! [Topless Robot]

· The Morgan Freeman Chain of Command. But where does The Electric Company's Easy Reader fit into the pecking order? You said it: Right above God. [I Watch Stuff]

· And finally -- the Shrek Forever After teazzzer. [YouTube]


  • Furious D says:

    1. I don't have enough time, and he has too much.
    2. My prom date, Wanda Guriachi, wore that same ensemble at the 1990 Senior Prom. She was ahead of her time, and doing a lot of drugs.
    3. Who'd have thought that an ad for a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine could actually elevate the class level of a TV Show.
    4. Who needs a 6 pack when they have a keg.
    5. I just couldn't bring myself to click that link, too many flashbacks to Prom Night, and the time I let Wanda mix me a drink and I woke up buck naked, handcuffed to a polar bear and stuck on the roof of a Presbyterian Church. That took a lot of explaining.
    6. Terence Stamp could use the royalties... Just kidding, he's probably not getting any!
    7. Easy Reader IS God.
    8. Shrek- Dead Horse Flogged.

  • Thank you lord for killing Wild Hogs 2 but allowing Shrek Forever After to exist! I hope it's not asking too much, but can it be in 3-D?!?!

  • Colander says:

    So...I apparently had 70 minutes to spare.

  • Dimo says:

    My buddy e-mailed me the Star Wars review last week. This guy could pull the ears off a gundark.

  • snickers says:

    I had 70 minutes to spare. Thanks for the link up!

  • atomicdog2020 says:

    That pretty much sums it up.

  • Huh? says:

    I'm up to the third video. It looks like a funny commentary, if a little overlong. But what's with all the "jokes" about killing hookers in his crawlspace and keeping a kidnapped woman in the basement while she begs for her life? When did that become "funny"?

  • Derubermax says:

    Wow just watched his Star Trek reviews and now I see this here on Digg!
    Seriously I made time to watch all his videos.
    Amazing stuff.
    Funny, insightful, and also really really messed up.

  • Daniel says:

    It's called incongruity. It's a form humor (though it is mostly related to satire). It's where things are inserted in places they shouldn't be, and we can draw humor from the weirdness of it. Locking women up in a basement isn't funny, but mildly going over it during a video review for Star Wars? Yea, I'd call that funny. It's a cheap form of humor, you get what you pay for. Not much else.

  • Kyle says:

    Loved the clips from the Rocketeer. Looks like somebody else in the world knows it exists 🙂

  • Gixman says:

    Ewan Mcdonnald as Obi Wan???? It´s Ewan Mcgregor

  • Aaron says:

    Woohoo! Rocketeer! Ok, ok, I have a soft spot for that movie and I'm glad someone else kind of likes it.

  • Rael74 says:

    An astonishing, hilarious and superbly edited documentary.
    I only pray Lucas himself watches it.
    Gixman... Ewan Mcdonnald was a joke you idiot x

  • johnathon says:

    sure the movie sucked but why would yo think that the reason it sucked was because of how un formulaic it was. like just because it wasnt like everyother movie doesnt make it bad.. its things that break the moldthat are real art. let me reiterate that i think that the movie blows. This review is not funny or helpful. The movie sucked because george lucas loves special effects more then he loves to tell a good story and he clearly didnt watch the older three before he made these newer ones because plot points dont line up.

  • Nic Marson says:

    Finally got some time to watch this. Amazing how it clarifies the confusion as to why I disliked the prequels so much. I'm up to video 3 and hooked. I'll have to check out the Star Trek reviews next.
    F'ing Jar-Jar!

  • tim w. says:


  • Gyr says:

    The only thing worse than the movie is this guy's voice. It's like an autistic senior speaking through an external voice box 2 hours after his tracheotomy. I couldn't listen for more than 3 minutes before my better judgment shone through and realized I could be spending 70 minutes actually WATCHING the movie and making my own decisions regarding it's quality.

  • David Hardcastle says:

    Absolutely riviting!!! I am a huge fan of Star Wars, I dont really give a damn about the prequels apparent hang ups, but I must say I watched both EP 1 and 2's review and was laughing my butt off. That guys voice just added to the humor. After reading some of the previous comments it is obvious that it doesnt matter how insightfull a person is, they will always find some fault in it. Honestly, after 2 hours and 40 completely entertaining mins, I was astounded to the point that I almost could never watch the movies the same again... almost. Though I, as an intellectual who recognised all the satire and humor as well as the valid points in the reviews, my inner child still loves all things Star Wars; so quite frankly the rediculousness of the movies does not bother me. Food for thought in opposition to the prequels absurdity; anyone else notice the political parody, intentional or by accident, in EP3 how uniformly rights and liberty were replaced by fascism/dictatorship? Reminicent of what transpired in this country and for the same reason? "for a more safe and secure empire! Patriot act anyone? PNAC anyone? Though judging by some of these comments, it doesnt make any difference. The mob only wants to be entertained. BRAVO!!! thanks for all the laughs. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I also likes Mathews review of EP3. Quite entertaining as well.