What Were the Worst Hollywood Remakes of the Decade?
Of the many crimes foisted upon humanity by the faceless filmmaking syndicate known as Hollywood, perhaps none are as loathsome as the subpar remake. A practice that hearkens back to the dawn of cinema (little known fact: the Lumière Bros.' 1898 Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat was actually a remake of the far superior train-arriving-at-a-station movie Tout Abord le Choo Choo! from twenty years prior), it seems that the 21st Century has brought something of a Golden Era for truly craptastic, reconfigured cinematic entertainments. After the jump, we run through 11 of the best worst Hollywood remakes, and invite you to add your own in the comments.
10. Down to Earth (2001)
Remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941) and Heaven Can Wait (1978)
Still feeling warm and gooey after the success of American Pie, brothers Chris and Paul Weitz took a promising premise -- Chris Rock dies, gets reincarnated as a white, billionaire coot -- and ruined it by turning it into a toothless fable about the importance of inner beauty. His feature film starring debut, this could have been Rock's Trading Places. Instead, it was Imagine That for grownups.
9. Around the World in 80 Days (2004)
Remake of Around the World in Eighty Days (1956)
Bankrolled by Philip Anschutz, the Denver-based billionaire founder of Qwest, this Jackie Chan version departed completely from the Jules Verne source material to instead provide him with a high-altitude platform for his trademark pratfalls and increasingly childish persona. No one was charmed: It grossed a total of $24 million, making the $110 million movie one of the biggest flops of the decade.
8. Anything to Come Out of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes
A specialty label founded by Michael Bay, whose specialty appears to be turning beloved, low-budget horror classics into artless, music-video-uninspired remakes starring a cast of interchangeable dropouts from The WB. Between 2003 and 2009, the company was responsible for no less seven completely unnecessary releases, beginning with 2003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 2005's The Amityville Horror, 2007's The Hitcher, and this year's The Unborn and Friday the 13th. Next up: A Nightmare on Elm Street, currently rumored to be in reshoots, presumably to render it even more unnecessary.