The Hills Reality Check: 'Mr. Right Now'
In last night's episode of The Hills (sponsored by the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, First Response, and HPV.com!) Spencer's friend/armchair psychiatrist Charlie emerged as the this week's winner in wisdom. Offering The Hills's resident villain a shoulder to panic on and a wealth of knowledge about accidental pregnancies, Charlie made viewers wish that they, too, had a Charlie in their lives. Perhaps his best moment occurred after Spencer revealed that he didn't want Heidi to get pregnant because he just knew that he's "going to have the kind of kid that grows up and tries to kill [him]." Without missing a beat, Charlie assured Spencer that he was just referring to "a little Oedipus complex -- a lot of kids do that." More on last night's winner -- and loser -- of the Fake/Real Jackpot after the jump.
REAL: Charlie Is an Expert At Determining Whether Your Woman Is Trying To Get Pregnant
Don't take my word for it, take Charlie's, in his soon-to-be-published pamphlet, Charlie's Guide To Making Sure Your Lady Doesn't Want to Get Knocked Up On the Down-Low:
1. Keep An Eye On the BC: "You gotta watch her swallow and take [birth control pills]. She'll be hiding them under her tongue, piling them in a corner near your bed, for all you know."
2. Try Liquoring Her Up: "Put a little wine in front of her. See if she's taking to the alcohol."
3. Spring for Sushi: "Take her out to sushi. Get her a little shellfish."
4. Watch (and YouTube) Carefully: "Seriously, watch out for the after sex stuff because girls can do stuff to increase their chances of conception, man. I seen it. You can YouTube it: Post Sex Baby-Making. She's probably got a triangle wedge in the corner of the floor, she keeps just two pillows under her waiting."
5. Dumpster Dive: Regularly check your trash for evidence, like pregnancy tests. (Spencer trusts First Response, pictured right)
6. You Had Your Warning: If you miss those easy steps, "Bro, that's a rough one, a rough one or you." Your only choice is to buck up in the next nine months, buy a "big book of baby names" and come to grips with the inevitable: "Once one kid comes, they'll just start coming. They'll just start dropping."
FAKE: Justin Bobby Paid For Kristin's Lap Dance
Kristin and her noufaux friend, Stacie, retreated to Sin City for a girls' weekend and a few hookups that "no one will find out about -- except this camera crew, and if MTV doesn't leave this footage on the cutting room floor, like 5 million people."
During their first night on the town, though, Kristin grew frustrated that the only camera-ready tail producers could corral for her was a pair of Backstreet Boy back-up dancers. After pitching a fit, production sent a P.A. to Justin's Palms hotel room, where the Hills bad boy was resting just in case, and voilà! Suddenly, production could make it look like Kristin called Justin after a few too many drinks, and Justin, being the attentive boyfriend, sped three hours into Vegas.
The next night, the threesome "found themselves" at a strip club, where Kristin and Stacie cheered "I wish I could do that!" and "I should get a stripper pole!" Annoyed with the sub-par bottle service and his company, Justin walked offset. Producers, sensing an opportunity for a little risqué Thanksgiving treat for viewers, paid the stripper an extra $50 to take off her top and "go down" on Kristin. The next morning, producers handed Kristen and Justin a script in which they were to pretend that Justin paid for the gesture.