3 Other Ridiculous Winners from Last Night's Dancing With the Stars Finale

Comparing the dancing ability of newly crowned Dancing With the Stars champion Donny Osmond and first runner-up Mya is like comparing country and rock 'n roll -- one requires toothy grins and sentimentalism and the other requires sex, agility, and a penchant for the acrobatic. Unfortunately, justice took a backseat to America's (and the judges') vote, and the "Puppy Love"-touting icon stole the gold from the flawless "Case of the Ex" chanteuse. In fact, dubious winners of all stripes abounded on last night's telecast, and some of the empty-handed champs were forced to just look like a trophy.


1. The guardrail in front of Samantha Harris

Samantha Harris, in defiance of DWTS's balletic nature, couldn't stand still when speaking to the camera at the top of the finale. Her eyes looked crossed. She gripped the guardrail for dear life when peering at the home audience. In retrospect, the guardrail's performance was solid, dependable, and full of character. Second prize goes to the minibar off camera.


2. Whitney Houston's Compensatory Yellow Dress

Though she donned a dandelion frock for her performance of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)," the wascaly Whitney didn't succeed in overshadowing her weak vocals with the fun of the color wheel. She actually conjured memories of another Houston -- Thelma, that is, who performed on American Idol last spring and caterwauled (at Simon Cowell) not to leave her this way. I almost did, frankly. That said, Whitney did wear a helluva ruffly dress, and that means Bruno Tonioli stood at attention, gyrated for minutes, and inadvertently leaped into traffic. Ten!


3. The Tears of Aaron Carter

Arguably the biggest winner of the season. The giant full-season montage featured at least two shots of Aaron Carter bawling, whether at his own poor performance or his own excellent performance. When Carter told Tom Bergeron that he hoped to inspire young adults everywhere, my heart knew this was a valiant leader who could move mountains, flail like a champ, and beat Shaq.