The Hills Reality Check: 'Can't Always Get What You Want'

When episode titles of The Hills reference Rolling Stones lyrics that have never, ever applied to its cast members, it's very clear that Christmas is around the corner, because that level of bullshit is a Gustav Eiffel-sized gift to America. Happy holidays, guys, and freedom for all. While Jayde acted as this episode's grand dame (Kristin called her a bitch, Brody considered dating her again, and Stacie derided her with snarls), the fakest and sincerest moments concerned the usual suspects. Mind you, Enzo was nowhere in sight this time, so the star quality this time around is noticeably deficient.

REAL: Lo got eyeliner in her crease.


When Kristin sat down with Lo to rehash the fight with two-timing Jocelyn Wildenstein-wannabe Jayde, she didn't count on Lo bringing her dumb mortal issues to the table. As Lo approached their patio seating at Toast and Kristin prepared to launch into a soliloquy about Jayde's tragedy-mask of a face, Lo injected reality into the dining experiencing, erring to dab Kristin with cotton-balled alcohol first.

"I hate it when I wear eyeliner, and it's like..." Lo announced while gawking and rubbing her eyes, to Kristin's seismic shock. Losing no time at all, Kristin leaned in with Komodo agility and interrupted, "It gets in your crease!" before drowning out Lo's quibbles with gales of angry laughter. Lo then seized the opportunity to sandblast us with screen-time and piped up, gasping, "I must open my eyes too wide!" For those four seconds, Lo was MTV's uncontested Atticus Finch, reinstating respect of the common man where Kristin had long planned a rape of the network's credibility. I'm not even the right person to explain this triumph, but Leonard Maltin works for other people. Anyway, Kristin then toppled Lo by bringing up her fake run-in with Jayde, and Lo just sat there gaping like a slow kid. Sigh. I'll always cherish when justice got in our crease. Never forget.

FAKE: Heidi plans to accidentally-on-purpose get pregnant


Because The Hills is a surrealist examination of reality, MTV chose to directly follow Lo's candor with the fakest moment of the episode. Audrina and Heidi were enjoying an outdoor cafe experience (a motif of the episode) while melted clocks dangled off tree branches just out of frame. After Audrina pieced together newfound phonics skills to mutter something dog-like about Justin Bobby, Heidi tripped into that perky-and-scripted cadence which is already familiar to viewers of Zoom.


"My sweet little Enzo let it slip that Spencer went to the doctor to get a vasectomy, or whatever it's called," Heidi said. Audrina's eyes locked on to what must have been a 10-foot-wide teleprompter and she replied, "That's like a slap in the face, like, 'I don't want to have kids with you.' I mean, are you going to plan it? Is it going to be whatever happens happens?" Come on, Audrina, Heidi can set up her own pre-scripted stupidity. Heidi continued, "My plan is to stop taking birth control. I think Spencer doesn't know how much he wants a family. I think we need a family. I'm going to be cooking, lighting candles everywhere, play romantic music. I always get what I want."

Audrina did her best to scrunch her face into lifelike disbelief, but that is a sad charade for Joyce Brothers to decipher. Not only is Heidi's idea so producer-fabricated that it stings, but it's also so diagnosable that it's not funny. Actually, wait. Accidentally-on-purpose getting pregnant is funny. I wouldn't argue otherwise. It's just not funny coming from Heidi, who would only have a kid if it knew how to headline Borders book-signing appearances at age two months. Sorry, Heidi, you can't always get what you want. Not even from Spencer's singing-and-dancing seed.


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