9 B-Movie Vampire Tips to Boost Edward Cullen's Sex Appeal Even More

For a certain percentage of the population, Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen is the Sexiest Man (Kinda) Alive. For the rest of us, he's much too emo to get worked up about. But all is not lost! With Extreme Makeover tips from even the crappiest vampire-themed flicks, he might sparkle for everyone yet!

1. Get A Tan

In 1979's Love At First Bite, Count Vladimir Dracula sported George Hamilton's supernaturally bronzed skin despite his dwelling in darkness. Just as laid back, baby, was that he also danced disco to I Love The Nightlife with Susan Saint James! It's certainly a refreshing change from pale shoegazing to Death Cab For Cutie. Three decades on, Hamilton is still looking immortal despite all those warnings about UV's harmful effects, and at 70 is still Dancing With The Stars. So maybe a bit of the immortality of the role stayed with him.

2. Get Speedy

Some Twi-logue, even to fan ears, is pretty coagulated -- and it gets thicker the more it's chewed. Here R-Pattz could take a lesson from Ben Kingsley's boss bloodsucker Kagan in Uwe Boll's misbegotten 2005 vampire-video-game adaptation BloodRayne. Sir Ben might've been happy to cash the much-loathed German schockmeister's check but he wasn't going to sully himself by actually trying. One of the movie's marvels is how the Oscar winner races through his worst monologues without pausing for breath or inflection.

3. Get Funky

Edward's artfully-depressed-Williamsburg-hipster attire says he's twi-ing to hard -- or not hard enough. Back in the day, Dracula could be counted on to wear nothing less than black tie with cape. Even in 1973's blaxploitation effort Scream Blacula Scream, this was how William Marshall dressed for suck-cess. His protégé, Richard Lawson's Willis, added funk to formality. See how he doesn't mind being turned into a vampire but is pissed that he can't see how smooth he looks in the mirror. Fair enough because this hep-cat looks damned fine. Surely Edward, who's 108 years old, could drag some ace retro threads out of the closet and jazz things up a little?

4. Get Real

A sensitive non-human sucking vampire makes for a neat extended abstinence metaphor but doesn't it go against the whole mythology? Kinda like Godzilla declining to stomp miniature cities and instead pitching in to build public housing? To get across-the-board bad-ass appeal, Edward Cullen just has to put the bite on someone. Lusting for virgin blood is in his nature. For inspiration and/or justification, he need look no further than Udo Kier's near-ejaculatory enthusiasm in 1974's Dracula, a schlocker produced by Andy Warhol who, come to think of it, may have served as a hair and pallor model for Edward.

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  • lhuddy85 says:

    "9. Get a pet" - maybe Eddy could bite wolf-boy Jacob? Two birds with one stone; Jacob's loyalty gets the werewolves onside and Eddy gets his helpful hound. Underworld's Len Wiseman may sue for copyright infringement, though...