The Hills Reality Check: 'On To The Next'

If MTV producers titled each episode of The Hills using the same method as Friends (instead of relying on random quotes from Kristin Cavallari) then last night's installment of the MTV faux-ality franchise would have been called, "The One With Brody's Mom and the Catfight." Alas, last night's On To The Next, like its title, was an unmemorable thirty minutes. Full of staged altercations and generic relationship talk, the single inspired line came from Spencer when debating the best L.A. neighborhood for his vasectomy: "I think I got to go to Beverly Hills when you're debating cutting off nuts. Ya feel me?"

The night proved that if you're looking for genuineness, and your TV won't budge from MTV at 10 PM on a Tuesday night, then wait for peripheral characters like Brody's mom and Enzo, the racially unidentifiable neighbor child who calls Spencer "Spender." Brody's mom might be injected to the hairline, but you get the sense that she really made the lemonade she poured Kristin and she loves her son in spite of his many, many flaws. The other winners of the Real -- and Fake -- Jackpots, after the jump.

REAL: Audrina Felt a Chill at Dinner

Whether or not you are ready to face it, Audrina and Justin Bobby are the Scarlett and Rhett of Nonfiction Television. Destined to be together, but torn apart by forces much greater than themselves, like Justin's roaming eye and Audrina's deep-seated jealousy, the pair has reconciled and revenge-f***ed bit Hills players more times than can be counted. Magic and a brisk wind were in the air last night though, when the perpetually at-odds lovers met for dinner.

Audrina floated into the camera-studded eatery, telling Justin "You look good," a mumbled compliment so crucial to the direction of the episode that producers subtitled it later in post (pictured, right). Justin Bobby, the fleetingly attentive partner asked, "Did you get a new ear piercing?" Seriously, the kind of tortured romantic intensity last seen in that Gone With the Wind scene where Scarlett wears the dress Mammy made her from Tara's drapes and visits Rhett in Atlanta. As always, Audrina struggled putting her emotions into words, even as producers waved 10 foot tall cue cards nearby while feeding her lines via earpiece ("It's like I have so much built up, so much to say, but nothing is coming out.")

The scene took a surprisingly truthy turn when Audrina halted the conversation to say, "It's getting really cold." Justin Bobby, ever the gentleman, offered "I'd give you my jacket but [chuckle] I don't have anything under it." And he really didn't! Regardless of the fact that Audrina's sweater inexplicably slipped on and off during the next two minute-long continuity nightmare, that moment was real -- Audrina was cold.

FAKE: Kristin and Jayde Coincidentally Ended Up At the Same Club, Inciting a Catfight

Hills rule of thumb: Whenever a character chirps "We're going to have the best night at this club! We have a good DJ, we have like the best table," know that s*** is about to go down. MTV cameras filmed Jayde and her band of beautiful friends teetering into a Hollywood club, while her fresh ex-boyfriend, Brody, unknowingly cozied up to Kristin inside the -- gasp -- same club. Meanwhile, MTV producers communicated back and forth on walkie talkies, executing the nightclub confrontation like they were storming the beaches of Normandy.

Both parties, shocked at the coincidence in their choice of rage spots, glanced sideways, unsure of what to do and which producer to blame for this compromising situation. Finally, Jayde's friends encouraged her to attack. Kristin jumped up in defense, but Brody warned her, "Don't get involved." Producers, disappointed with the verbal warfare, shoved a P.A. into Kristin. Thinking that the assault had come from Jayde's friends, Kristin started throwing sharp elbows before shouting, "You and your f***ing girlfriends...need to get the f*** out of here. Brody, "The Worst Boyfriend And Ex-Boyfriend of 2009" blamed the mess on Jayde because she was so "psycho." Kristen and Brody, exasperated by the danger of the scene and angry at producers, evacuated the club as Jayde's friend handed her a stiff drink to nurse her unfailingly real pain.