Glimpse the World's Only Tasmanian Lautner in Captivity

Twilight wasn't Taylor Lautner's movie -- it was Robert Pattinson's. Sickly, sparkly, dreamy-haired, runs-like-a-girl (according to Kristen Stewart) Robert Pattinson. New Moon, on the other hand, is Taylor's and Taylor's alone, the culmination of a destiny forged one frigid, February morning in 1992, when a future superstar pulled in his first breath, then flexed his tiny, newborn abs to the rapturous applause of the entire Grand Rapids Metropolitan Hospital obstetrics department.

Now, nearly 18 years later, he teeters on the precipice of greatness, his demo-spanning groupie legions obsessively tracking his every move, micro-analyzing promotional footage for fleeting glimpses of werepenis, tweeting fatwas against his Kanye-befouled, chart-topping girlfriend. Possessing a smoldering, vaguely overtly homoerotic sexuality and laser-focused intensity, he brings to mind -- yes I'm going to say it -- a young Tom Cruise.

Watch now this archival footage from 2005, as the young martial arts master (he was ranked number one in the world for NASKA's Black Belt Open Forms, Musical Weapons, Traditional Weapons and Traditional Forms and won the Junior World Championships at age 12. And yes, we said Musical Weapons) transforms into a deadly, cyclonic Tasmanian Lautner before your very eyes. "HAWWWWWWW-yahhhhh... auuuuughhhhh!!!!!!!"

IN. TEN. SI. TY. [Access Hollywood]