The Hills Reality Check: 'I'm Done With You'
Last week, MTV tested the limits of our Hills skepticism by staging a Jagermeister-sponsored intervention for Holly while the series' only talent, Jayde, gutted herself with broken alcohol bottles and pleaded for Brody's impossible affection. This week, producers gorged themselves on the bread and butter of its Hills franchise: awkward confrontation-filled parties and pseudo-breakups. Read about the winners of this week's Fake/Real Jackpot -- and get your Justin Bobby/Johnny Depp Cry Baby printable photo comparison -- after the jump!
REAL: Spencer Loses His Lust For Reality TV Before Our Very Eyes
Spencer used to relish the reality television monster more than any of his clueless cast mates, often sitting in on pre-production meetings to spitball new LC insults and spending tireless nights with story editors to make sure his character was cut to his liking -- a perfect blend of douchiness and evil -- "douvil," if you will. As Hills-lore goes, Spencer even personally funded a few re-shoots when he felt he missed an opportunity for condescension or unforgivable rudeness (See: Spencer's Five-Part Guide To Being the Worst Boyfriend On Television). This season though, Spencer has lost himself to disinterest (or heavy doses of mood-flattening meds). Perhaps it's the kind of depression that arises after you've checked everything off of your bucket list before the age of 30: He authored a book, quit I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here twice, forced Heidi's hand in fake-marriage before legally marrying her in a fame-whorish season finale spectacle and isolated his bride in a Hollywood Hills fortress, far from her family that he hates and her friends that he hates even more.
This season, we watched as Spencer's mood flattened until last night's proof that MTV's resident villain had died. Heidi tried to get a rise out of him by talking birthday parties, diamond gifts, and kids, but still couldn't pull Spencer out of his funk. Even when producers spoon-fed him a single line reminiscent of the Spencer we grew to resent, his lifeless delivery ruined the intended effect: Heidi served him coffee and Spencer said, bored, "This married life is starting to pay off. I'm getting delivery service." Last season, we would have ripped the thin blond beard hair-by-hair out of our Spencer Voodoo Dolls because of this chauvinistic remark. But last night, we felt kind of bad for him and wondered if he had jumped onto the propofol-mainlining rage, calling an unethical doctor to his house before the crew arrived to ensure that he would be unconsciousness through the entirely derivative shoot.
At Heidi's self-coordinated birthday party party, Spencer passed up a few prime opportunities to humiliate his guests. He meandered around the set nonchalantly until he finally presented Heidi with his producer-supplied gift: two puppies in a designer carrier. When Heidi hugged the unfortunate fluffballs, Spencer muttered something about how the puppies were the only babies she would ever have. Meanwhile, a producer off-camera considered sending a PA out to Colorado to burn down Heidi's family's home so that they'd have to crash at Speidi's house indefinitely. But even that would not awake Spencer from his despondence.
FAKE: Justin Bobby, Trendsetter
It all started with the suspenders. When the Hills' resident scumbag paraded out that accessory early this season, we knew that producers were not spearheading a new trend but distracting us from the fact that he is the unworthy member of an MTV love triangle. So they called on wardrobe for some old-fashioned smoke and mirrors. Each episode this season, producers tried to sidetrack us from concentrating on his smarmy, unredeemable character with various style looks. Like MTV collector editions of Barbie, Justin appeared as "Italia Ab Tat Justin" a few weeks ago, diffusing Kristin's attacks with his uninventive body art. Last week, Justin appeared as "Hoodie-Wearing, Dinner-Cooking Justin," another attempt at redemption from his womanizing ways. And this week, producers presented us with a Justin Double-Look Header.
In both of his scenes, Justin Bobby halfheartedly argued that Kristin should not dump him, despite the fact that he is a terrible faux-boyfriend and he still has feelings for Audrina. To distract her from his pitiful dating track record, the wardrobe and hair departments busied themselves creating two different looks for the MTV bad boy, both inspired by cinema. In the first, a low brimmed hat completed "There Will Be Blood Justin" (pictured above), before inexplicably transforming him into "Cry Baby Justin" (pictured right) for the anti-climactic faux break-up.
Will Justin ever break free of his chameleon looks to prove that he is more than a Hills stage prop? Only future episodes will tell.
Viewing Comprehension Questions
1. Why has Lo been relegated to the role of Hills consigliere? She is not required to attend any parties (Heidi's, Spencer's juvenile-themed bash, Holly's intervention throw-down) but she is called onto set whenever producers need some exposition-packed counsel for its clueless co-stars ("Um, did you hear that Brody and Jayde are on a break?") or when one of the girls needs advice on relationships while folding laundry ("I'm just such a sucker for blue and white stripes.")
2. Why haven't we received a manufactured explanation for why Kristin is all of a sudden friends with Stacie, the bartender who almost broke up Spencer and Heidi last season? We understand that The Hills needed some secondary cast members to fill the gigantic gap left by LC's departure, but still. Are we just to assume that they were matched up in MTV's reality slut database?