The Hills Reality Check: 'It's On, Bitch'

Look, we know that you know The Hills is fake -- and yet, like professional wrestling, it continues to compel! That's why Movieline is proud to announce The Hills Reality Check. Instead of recapping each episode like we actually believe in Spencer's malfeasance or think the Justin Bobby love triangle is anything but producer-staged, we'll hand out two awards each week: one to the episode's most clearly faked moment, and the other to whatever stray bit of unexpected reality finds its way into this increasingly overwritten show. So, what two moments hit the Real/Fake jackpot during last night's premiere?

REAL: Brody Jenner Grows Annoyed With Jade's Line of Questioning

During last night's especially forced season premiere, Brody displayed the episode's singular genuine reaction: a finely tuned strain of impatience, annoyance and coolness that could not otherwise be tapped into by any of The Hills characters on command, especially the limited Jenner. After imploring his girlfriend Jade to just decide on a bikini cover-up already so that they wouldn't be late to Spencer's self-thrown "welcome back" party, Jade decided that with cameras as her witness, she would unload all of her doubts onto Jenner about his ex-girlfriend, Kristin.

Clearly prompted by producers to fire annoying questions at Brody, Jade voiced hesitancy about meeting Kristin, she asked how their relationship ended, and most cunningly, she successfully delivered someone's scripted line: "How would you like to meet my ex-boyfriend?" Jenner's response, triggered equally by his annoyance in having to do another take of "the scene" because of his girlfriend's failure to effectively emote, could not have been less scripted: he threw his arms up in mock despair and frustration, glanced from side to side searching for appropriate answers, and fruitlessly tucked his hair behind his captain hat/trucker hat hybrid. Thanks to those natural human reactions, we determine him the winner of the night's Real Jackpot and the teacher of the following lesson: Every relationship has problems, especially when you're dating a Playboy Playmate who talks back.

FAKE: Kristin Fervently Cheers On the Lakers

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Amidst a half hour packed with staged showdowns (Stephanie shouts at Kristin: "You need to respect Audrina!"), forced exposition ("So this party's almost like a welcome back party for Heidi and Spencer") and Lo's careless destruction of the fourth wall (pictured, right), the moment that rang falsest for me was when Kristin Cavallari, the bitch of last night's episode entitled, "It's On, Bitch," roots on the Lakers like she has another anti-cellulite product endorsement deal riding on their win.

I picture the producer, just offhand, says, "Really get into the game, now!" and Kristin, responding like any paid extra, reaching deep for her most applicable first-level Groundlings skills. When all she can produce are a few giggling "Like, yays," the producer calls upon a self-loathing P.A. to lead her through a Laker fan version of Simon Says: "Repeat after me, 'Oh! Yes! Yeah baby! Did that get in?' Now clap, that's right. Kristin, stop talking to Justin. Focus on the game."

Come to think of it, there probably wasn't even a basketball game playing in front of them.



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