Let's Make These Hills Salaries Fair

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The leaked hierarchy of salaries on MTV's The Hills reads like a charity prom date auction where the loudest cheerleaders win expensive bids from the hot, part-time DJ sons of CEOs, while relative wallflowers like Lo Bosworth are left to accept cheap offers from the nervous, normal guys who live in the wrong part of Bel Air. Fortunately, it's not too late to renegotiate the salaries on The Hills and make them fair for everyone -- even the dastardly Fleshbeard.

Kristin Cavallari

Currently Makes: $90,000 per episode

Should Make: Less than I make

With all due-but-not-really respect, when did returning Laguna Beach bunny Kristin Cavallari ever garner a headline worth a damn? When do her exploits ever reach that zeitgeist-y, all-too-simple metaphor for our plight as an gossip-consuming populace? If your antics can't be footnoted in a state school sophomore's treatise on media and consumers, I'm afraid you weren't ever on The Hills, to me. I worry that Cavallari is content with keeping her drama wrapped up within producer-mandated storylines, and that has nothing to do with agitating the shit out of Lou Diamond Phillips. Large-scale fail, MTV.


lobosworth.jpg

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Currently Make: $100,000 and $65,000 per episode, respectively

Should Make: Double? Quadruple? Duodecuple? Give them Brody Jenner's $45,000 an episode too. He has Playboy money rolling in anyway.

This is what I'm talking about. For Hills diehards, every character might seem memorable, but for those who are only peripherally interested in bored twentysomethings challenging each other to a season-long "Who has the heaviest eyelids?" tournament, the world needs Heidi and Spencer. They're the Bonnie & Clyde, Tommy & Mariah, and Julius & Ethel Rosenberg of our time: slutty, quotable, the unsexiest duo since Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki, and always willing to say something horrible at the expense of Michael Jackson. I don't know what else you want from your stars, America.


lobosworth.jpg

Audrina Patridge

Currently Makes: $100,000 per episode

Should Make: Same

She may possess the blank, confused stare of an America's Funniest Home Videos father who's just been smacked in the crotch with a wiffle bat, but Audrina Patridge gives us none of the lame diplomacy of Lauren Conrad and all of the Beavis-like quotes we need from a second banana. Seriously, ask her anything. For instance: What's your favorite movie scene? Her answer: Something about Ryan Gosling and loving it! I love it.


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Lauren "Lo" Bosworth

Currently Makes: $100,000 per episode

Should Make: Someone's sandwich

Anyone who tries to maintain an "indifferent" relationship with Heidi and Spencer, but sort-of-might-still stick up for her friend L.C. is pretty much dead to me. She's supposed to be the uppity best friend of the wayward Lauren Conrad, but she still seems noncommittal, especially when interviewed. Example A: referring to Laguna Beach as "a really organic experience." Ugh, for who? These franchises are as organic as blue Gatorade. Enough. Turkey club, please.

'Hills' Salaries Exposed [The Daily Beast]



Comments

  • rj77 says:

    *sigh*
    Just one episode's paycheck could make me (student loan) debt free. (OR two paychecks, after taxes.)
    I feel like such a chump.

  • sugarrhill says:

    Well Louis, I'm less of fan of yours after reading this post. All LC had in her bag of tricks was an inability to find a mascara that didn't run during her crying jags.

  • Lowbrow says:

    "Mommy, there's a nasty-looking wench on TV named Lo and she is scaring me!!"

  • Louis Virtel says:

    This warrants reaction. Don't misunderstand: LC sucks! Love me!

  • dylan FU says:

    WTF???....$65,000, $90,000, $100,000 per episode?...for what?....for being an empty, spoiled, self absorbed, no talent human being?...makes me wanna puke!....you know who's fault this really is?...it's you a-holes that are watching this meaningless crap...who cares about these people?...who are you that watches this?...my our you making these soul-less, vacuous people rich?..and famous?...not sure what makes me sicker...the people on these garbage type of shows or the people who sit there glued every week watching it?....this is just another sign that our country, our world is going down the toilet fast....goddam!

  • MCEE says:

    You got to be kidding me. I can't believe any of them really make that much per episode. I mean seriously poverty still exists in America and there are kids starving in third world countries and these spoiled little rich kids make almost a million each year individually. For what? To create drama in the Hills? Really the only thing they have to worry about is what sushi bar they're going to eat at, who is doing who's boyfriend or girlfriend, finding waterproof mascara, and the high school drama when they should be acting like adults. I really can't believe that THAT show has gone on for as long as it did. I agree that this is just another sign of what is really happening to our country...or even the world. For people to really be die hard fans of The Hills amazes me...and as long as that show is still airing I'll continue to be amazed.

  • anonymous says:

    True. Actors have been way overpayed for a long time now. It is really ridiculous and should be corrected ASAP.

  • Jj says:

    I can't stand Lo she's a passive aggressive clingy wallflower.

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