You Don't Want to Know What Eli Roth Did to This Kleenex (But He Wants You To)

The internet! It's good for so many things: cute animal videos, quizzes about which Fringe character you might be, and, most of all, oversharing by famous film directors on Twitter! First, jean-shorted auteur Kevin Smith set the gold standard in July by posting a very, very NSFW Tweet about his wife's nether regions and their ability to uh, "pOwn" his own equipment. Never one to be outdone in the realm of shock value, Eli Roth took up Smith's unsettling torch this weekend and basically had sex with the internet for twenty-four hours. What went down?

As is often the case with internet tomfoolery, the minxes at Oh No They Didn't had a little something to do with it. Provoked into swoons by Inglourious Basterds and especially Roth's Bear Jew, their posts on the Hostel director were eventually met by Tweets from Roth himself, who spoke of sharing ONTD's X-rated fan fiction with his Basterds comrade Christoph Waltz. Naturally, it wasn't long before Roth began posting semi-clothed shots of himself and soliciting the same from ONTD's female fanbase. Explicit sexual fantasies were exchanged and posted, and here is one written by Roth, with its scariest parts redacted for a work-safe experience:

I would rip your pants down and bend you over and lick your [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] until you [REDACTED]. Then I'd throw you on my back and wrap your [REDACTED] around my ears and suck your [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] you and squeeze your [REDACTED] until you [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. And then I'd do it again and right before you were about to [REDACTED] I'd pull up and just slip my [REDACTED] so deep into you, with your knees pinned into your shoulders, so I can see the look of ecstasy on your face as you bite my shoulder and scream. Does that answer your question?

And then he masturbated and photographed the remains. Can he be arrested for this in Switzerland?

We know bitch, Eli is reading UPDATE [ONTD]


  • Old No.7 says:

    Hey look, the first viral marketing ad for The Man With The Iron Fist.

  • SunnydaZe says:

    I repeat, "I am often traumatized by stuff I see on the internet."
    Anyone know a good mountain cabin on the market?

  • dollywould says:

    Kyle, I love that you read ONTD, too. Reading their comments is a guilty pleasure of mine.

  • Taylor says:

    I wonder if any of the girls he cybered w/ were 14yr old fangirls... which I'm sure some of them they were.
    It's kinda sad and pathetic. I mean is he that lonely that he stoops that low for an orgasm? I'm pretty sure he can have any girl he wants. But maybe it says something about his character. He's 37, super successful... yet, he's single??? Hmmm...
    I really LOVE Eli, seriously, I really do - he's amazing, creative, intelligent. But I just find him to be a pig right now. My heart's kinda broken. Yuck.

  • Tricia says:

    The kleenex came before the cybering, fyi.
    I was in on that post, and good times were had by all. Why hate on some racy messages sent between 2 (okay 200) consenting adults?

  • Lowbrow says:

    Is that Kleenex for sale on eBay yet?

  • Leigh says:

    I also particpated in the thread(not the cybering part) but many laughs were had by all involved.
    And no, I don't think any underaged girls were involved but the fact that there weren't any underaged girls involved isn't going to stop people from spreading that rumor.

  • Ammy says:

    Geez no underage girls were present. That rumour needs to die fast.
    The ladies got off on Eli, and apparently Eli got off on them. Great time was had by all.

  • blueberry says:

    I wouldn't say that Eli "solicited" the naked photos...that was our own idea, thankyouverymuch. Only adults were involved, and it was an amazingly fun night. Eli is a very cool and down to earth guy for indulging a bunch of fangirls, and we happily indulged him in return.

  • Anon says:

    Erm... I heard he told a 14 year old something very, very inappropriate. I don't know if that was just a rumor, though? Well, regardless... well said, Taylor. I feel entirely the same way.

  • Tricia says:

    tl;dr, just a warning
    Just wanted to also comment on the underage rumor. In the ontd interview he did right before the cyber sexing started, he clearly said he liked his ladies to be 25+. And I can vouch that noone that posted their messages from eli on ontd/lj were under 18 (we have to list our birthdays) so if for some reason a 14 year old did manage to message him, she was lying about her age. That being said, the underage rumor didn't start from ontd/lj, it came from someone who did not actually partake in the thread. And I do not like the world solicit in this context. He never asked for pictures, hell we were the ones asking for pictures of him. The people who sent in pictures (myself included, I will admit it) did it out of our own will.
    I think it's funny that everyone is outraged by this, but in order to read the stuff he wrote us you really need to dig through ontd comments (I'm talking over 2500 comments, and the sexting didn't start into VERY late into that), and that's after you join the community.

  • katie says:

    wtf is all this?
    that tissue most likely contained NOTHING, and the message you posted was him just fooling around and not being serious. the whole thing was just a joke, and fun on both parts, and now you've ruined it.
    seriously, whoever wrote this is just desperate if they think this is some big scandal.
    and there never was a 14 year old!!!!!!!

  • Jenna says:

    Seriously, are you for real? And the 14yr old thing was a rumor that started because someone lacks reading comprehension. If anyone was underage, they didn't go around telling every ONTD that.

  • [...] I acknowledge that people have their faults and no one is perfect, but I have to say after his twitter scandal, anything with the Eli Roth name on it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, I know his love for [...]

  • […] I acknowledge that people have their faults and no one is perfect, but I have to say after his twitter scandal, anything with the Eli Roth name on it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, I know his love for […]