Veal Hailstones Rain Upon the Multiplex

Hey, kids -- you know what Americans don't particularly do much of in the third weekend of September? If you said "see movies," you're right! Let's wipe some lasagna off the windshield and see how Hollywood made out, shall we?

1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Gross: $30,100,000 (new)

Screens: 3,119 (PSA: $9,651)

Weeks: 1

Spinning a benign children's book about daily manna specials from Heaven into a cautionary tale about how global warming will send down a hellfire of scalding tomato soup to incinerate us all, Sony proved the sole box office champion of the weekend. As a reward for a job well done, the studio will sponsor a special Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs-themed catered lunch tomorrow, with a menu of Sloppy Joes and mac and cheese distributed via overturned cauldrons positioned atop the studio water tower. Whatever you can catch in an outstretched garbage bag or directly in your mouth is yours to eat!

2. The Informant!

Gross: $10,545,000 (new)

Screens: 2,505 (PSA: $4,210 )

Weeks: 1

Well, we're stumped. "Lysine-price-fixing-scandal comedy centered around a bipolar whisteblower rocking a pedostache and beer gut" was about as can't-miss a concept as Hollywood was likely to produce this year, and yet audiences failed to discover Steven Soderbergh's latest.

3. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Gross: $10,060,000 (cume: $37,932,000)

Screens: 2,255 (PSA: $4,461)

Weeks: 2 (Change: -57.1%)

Taraji P. Henson, I'mma gonna let your finish, but Janet Jackson was one of the best selfish alcoholics named April who had to raise her dead sister's three kids and also fall in love with a Colombian immigrant who works for her in a Tyler Perry movie of ALL TIME!!!

4. Love Happens

Gross: $8,456,000 (new)

Screens: 1,898 (PSA: $4,455)

Weeks: 1

Box office love didn't happen so much for this Jennifer Aniston/Aaron Eckhart romantic weepy, probably because Jen kept spilling the beans on the interview circuit about what a downer it was. Jen -- shhhh! Two title changes to something so generic it sounds like a rejected tagline for a Katherine Heigl movie should tell you everything you need to know about how badly the studio wanted to keep the plot of this thing under wraps. Oh well -- at least Aaron doesn't turn out to be a grieving Secret Gay.

5. Jennifer's Body

Gross: $6,800,000 (new)

Screens: 2,702 (PSA: $2,517)

Weeks: 1

Ouch. OK -- let's try to stay upbeat, and instead focus on the winners here:

· Demons

With so few of us versed in the specifics of how easy it is for them to take over the bodies of cheerleaders, they can continue their steady infiltration of America's high schools.

· Vorarephiliacs

Cannibalism fetishists can continue to enjoy watching Megan Fox devour human flesh in relative peace, free from worry that their niche turn-on will suddenly go mainstream, ruining it forever.

· Megan Fox

A-ha! Didn't see that one coming, did you? While many will use this as an opportunity to write off the overexposed starlet's fledgling career, we'd argue the opposite: By popping her turkey on her first top-lining effort, she's now joined a prestigious club of A-listers that includes Jack Nicholson (The Little Shop of Horrors) and Angelina Jolie (Cyborg 2). We've only just begun, Miss Fox. Alert the media!