Malibu Triathlon Provides Unofficial Battle of the Network Stars

We live in ugly times when Howard Cosell isn't around to sort out matters of network all-star athleticism. Sadly, it now falls to us to comb through glamour shots of TV celebrities running the Nautica Malibu Triathlon over the weekend and rank their running, swimming, and biking abilities using context clues and the freshness of their perspiration. So which five television stars won the battle?

5. Jeremy Piven (pictured above)

If cameras don't capture you on every leg of the triathlon, I'm afraid you are not a real Celebrity Triathlete (to me). Piven either avoided the Swimming Intimately In Mercury-Menaced Waters portion for undisclosed reasons or just didn't allow cameras to follow him there. Come on, Piven. Thomas Ian Nicholas can do it.

4. Felicity Huffman

The runner-up Desperate Housewife looked vital, effervesced, and determined. Unfortunately, though, she did not nail the Picturesque Beachfront Photography section of the competition like her nimble co-star (more on that later).

3. William H. Macy

According to a photo snapped of Macy crossing the finish line, Huffman's husband completed the competition in under two hours. Impressive. However, his most winning attributes were his dinky shorts and spirited grin. Both are awkward but kind of inspiring, just like Door to Door.

2. Teri Hatcher

Now this is how you should participate in a Malibu triathlon: smile throughout the proceedings, stop on a shore where the lighting is right, and allow your daughter to frequently dapple you in supportive kisses. I don't care that she finished a half hour behind Macy. She finished hours ahead of everyone else in terms of Being A Delight.

1. Mario Lopez

When you're a B-to-C-List TV star who hosts Extra and MTV's most underrated show, you've really got no choice but to whore out your photogenic goods for the flashbulbs. Mario Lopez, in what seems like slow-motion, enjoyed every angle, wardrobe change, and stride of the Malibu competition -- and in good time! He stayed positive and expressive throughout, an obvious tribute to the lost splendor of Lark Voorhies's original face.

Malibu Triathlon Photos [ONTD]